Episode 12: Love, Lies, and Loyalty

LUKE: Welcome back to Look at the Roost. It is Saturday, February 14th, and today

is a very special show. It's Valentine's Day. So thank you for tuning in and

listening to us on your special day here. We're going to try something a little

bit different. I'm going to read a dating profile, and I'm going to have the

callers, let me know if this is a profile that they would select or not

select. Would you go on a date with this person? Or not? First up, we

have Reggie. Reggie, I'm going to read you a dating profile, and I want you

to tell me if you would go on a date with this person or not.

REGGIE: Oh man, alright Luke, yeah, let's hear it. I got to warn you though,

I haven't been in the dating game in God over 15 years. My wife and

I got together when I was still in my 20s, so I don't even know

what the hell I'm looking for anymore. But yeah, go ahead.

LUKE: Alright, well let's pretend that you are not married right now. You are looking

through Tinder at dating profiles, and this is the one that maybe caught your eye.

This is the one that you've landed on right now, it's crystal. She's 28 years

old from Albuquerque. In her photo, she's standing behind the bar, mid-bore. It looks like

she did not expect this picture to be taken. She's a little bit caught off

guard, but she's pretty attractive. Her hair is up, she's going to tattoo on her

forearm, some kind of script that I can't read, and there's a guy behind her

at the bar waving for her attention, and she's not giving it to him. Her

bio says, I work somewhere I'm not naming, I'm in school for synography, I go

to bed at 3 and wake up at 6.45 and I have no personality left.

Derek, if you see this, you owe me $11 for the hot pockets and the

orange juice. You know what you did. Okay, so are you going to swipe right

or left on crystal?

REGGIE: Oh man, I like her already, no seriously, I'm swiping right on crystal. Look,

first of all, she's real, that profile is the most honest thing I've probably heard

all night.

LUKE: Alright, and we have a match, what is it about crystal that you liked?

REGGIE: You know what it is, she's not trying to sell me something, like, I

don't know what the hell synography is, ultra sounds or something?

LUKE: Yeah, I think so.

REGGIE: She's honest about being tired, she's got some beef with Derek over $11, which

is hilarious, she's working her ass off, going to school, barely sleeping.

LUKE: Okay, so you swipe right on crystal, right is good, right, I don't even

know how these things work. You swipe right on crystal, you're going to go on

a date, where do you take her? What do you hope your evening looks like?

REGGIE: Okay, so here's the thing, she gets off work at 3 in the morning,

right? So, I'm thinking, I take her to breakfast.

LUKE: Okay, you take her to breakfast at the diner that's open at 3 in

the morning and she looks at you, like she wants you to order for her,

what are you going to order for her?

REGGIE: Oh god, alright, um, okay, I'm getting her coffee first, that's obvious, she's running

on fumes, then I'm ordering her the biggest, greasiest breakfast they got, like two eggs

over easy, hash browns with cheese, bacon, toast. The whole deal, maybe Pancakes on the

side if she wants them.

LUKE: Alright, well she loves the breakfast, and after breakfast she invites you back up

to her room, what are you going to do when you get there?

REGGIE: Oh man, Luke, come on, look, I'm 38 years old, I've been out of

the game forever, and honestly, if Crystal invites me back to her place after breakfast

at 4 in the morning, I'm probably going to be so nervous, I'll just, I

don't know, sit on her couch and keep talking to her. I mean, yeah, obviously

part of me is thinking other things, but real talk? She's been up all night

working, she just ate a huge breakfast, she's exhausted.

LUKE: Yeah, she is, but also real talk, Crystal hasn't been late in 14 months,

and she's really desperate and she needs some energy in her life, so are you

going to help her out here, or should she find somebody else?

REGGIE: Okay, okay, you got me there, yeah, I mean, if Crystal's looking for some

energy, some connection, something to remind her she's alive and not just a zombie going

from work to school to work, then yeah, I'm going to step up, I'm not

going to let her down.

LUKE: Alright, and how do you plan to do that? What are you going to

do for Crystal that she hasn't had in a while? How are you going to

make yourself stand out in the crowd?

REGGIE: Alright, so here's what I'm thinking, Crystal's been grinding nonstop, right? She needs someone

who's actually present, like I'm not going to be on my phone, I'm not going

to rush anything, I'm going to pay attention to her, and honestly Luke, I've been

told I give really good massages.

LUKE: Oh yeah, everybody's been told they've been given, they give really good massages, that's

just the thing people say, almost nobody gives good massages.

REGGIE: No, but seriously, I actually learned from this physical therapist at the hospital, like

I'm talking real technique here, I know where the knots are, I know how to

work shoulders and neck properly, Crystal's been on her feet all night serving drinks to

drunk idiots, her back is killing her, her feet are probably screaming, and look, maybe

that sounds like I'm dodging the question, but honestly, that's the move, you take care

of someone, you make them feel seen, you're not just trying to jump straight to

the finish line like some desperate kid.

LUKE: Alright, it sounds like you and Crystal are a match, congratulations sir, and thank

you for the call, very good, very good, see that we're making, we're making matches

left and right here, who's up next on the line, we've got, Pearl, Pearl, welcome

to the show, it's Valentine's Day, happy Valentine's Day, I'm going to read you a

dating profile, it is a question of the real dating profile, and I want you

to let me know if this is something that you'd go out with or not,

okay?

PEARL: Oh man, okay Luke, I'm ready, hit me with it, and hey, happy Valentine's

Day, date to you too, I'm spending mine calling a radio show, so you know,

living my best life over here, but yeah, read it, let's see what we're working

with.

LUKE: Alright, and there's nothing to feel bad about there, I'm spending my Valentine's Day

doing a radio show, so we're in the same boat there, Pearl, okay, so here's

your profile, it is Frank, Frank's photo, he's standing in a garage, and there's bird

houses everywhere, they're on the shelves, they're hanging from the rafters, he's got them stacked

up on the workbench, it's like, this is like a bird house picture with a

guy in it, his bio says, my neighbor showed me how to make this and

then left, I carried mail for 33 years, same route, a lady used to leave

a coke on my porch every day for me in the summer, no no, I

still think about that, my wife passed in 2020, I make bird houses now, I

don't need 40 bird houses, but when my hands are busy, my head is quiet,

I also make a decent meatloaf, if that matters to anyone, what do you think

of Frank?

PEARL: Oh God, Luke, you can't, you can't do this to me right now, I

would swipe right so fast, are you kidding me?

LUKE: Are you gonna have to remind me, Pearl, is, is, right yes or is

right no?

PEARL: Right is yes, yes, Luke, right is yes, and I would swipe right on

Frank so hard, I'd probably break my phone screen. Look, that man just said more

in that profile than most guys say in six months of dating, when my hands

are busy, my head is quiet, Jesus.

LUKE: All right, all right, that sounds great, congratulations on your match here, so is

it the bird houses that does it for you or is it the quiet longing

or is it the 63 years old bit? What is it that gets your engine

turning? All right, so if you're gonna go out on a date with Frank here,

where would you like him to take you?

PEARL: Oh man, I don't know, honestly, I'd probably just want to go to his

garage and help him paint some bird houses or something, is that weird? Like, I

don't need fancy, I've done fancy.

LUKE: How long before you let Frank take you up to the bedroom, Pearl?

PEARL: Luke, oh my God, I mean look, Frank seems like a gentleman.

LUKE: Okay, thank you for the call, Pearl. We appreciate it and we'll see if

we can get Frank to reach out to you and maybe you two can spark

something up. Thanks again for the call. You have a wonderful remainder of your Valentine's

Day.

PEARL: Thank you, Luke. And hey, I heard Reggie earlier, the guy who was all

nervous about the massage, tell him to just relax and actually listen to what she

needs. Don't overthink it. Just be present.

LUKE: You hear you heard it here, Reggie. She says just be present and don't

overthink it. Everything's going to be all right. And I believe her. She sounds like

an honest soul. Okay, next up on the line we have Destiny. Oh, nope, that's

not true. Next up on the line we have Mikey. Mikey, welcome to the show.

I'm going to read you Destiny's profile pic, profile dating profile. And you let me

know if that's something you'd go on a date with or not, okay?

MIKEY: Oh, man, okay, Luke. Yeah, I can do that. But listen, I got to

be honest with you. My head is not really in the dating game right now.

I just had the weirdest night of my life about an hour ago. And I'm

still kind of processing it. But yeah, hit me with Destiny's profile. I'll tell you

what I think.

LUKE: All right. Well, maybe Destiny can help you out with the processing your day's

events. Here we go. Destiny is 31 years old. She's from Albuquerque. In her photo,

she's in the front seat of what looks like a Nissan Altima. She's wearing scrubs

or hairs up in a bun. She's got an ice coffee. And she's kind of

just kind of staring towards the camera a little bit. She's not quite looking at

it. She's just, she looks a little bit stoned, honestly. The bio says, I work

at a chiropractor's office. Single mom, I drive an Altima with a dent from 2022.

I am tired on a molecular level. I go to bed at nine. My daughter

is six and she does not stop talking. I timed it once 11 minutes. No

pauses. Please have your own place. My roommate is my mother and she listens through

the wall. She says she doesn't. She is lying. Okay, there, Mikey. Are you going

to swipe right or left on Destiny?

MIKEY: Oh, man, you know what? I'm swiping right on Destiny. Absolutely. That tired on

a molecular level thing. I felt that in my soul, especially tonight, and the honesty

about her mom listening through the wall.

LUKE: If you were at Destiny's place, what would her mom be listening to through

the wall right now?

MIKEY: Oh, Jesus, Luke, I don't know, man. I mean, look, I'm 56 years old.

I work in IT. I spend my days dealing with the city's network problems. If

her mom's listening through the wall, she's probably hearing me talk about the time I

accidentally brought down the entire Parks and Rec Departments email server for three hours because

I clicked the wrong button. Real talk though. Real talk. She'd probably hear me venting

about what happened tonight with my kid.

LUKE: All right, all right, all right, what happened with your kid?

MIKEY: So get this. It's 2 a.m., right? I can't sleep. I go to check

on my 17 year old, just to make sure they're home safe, you know? The

bedroom door is closed. I figured they're asleep. Something tells me to actually open the

door and check.

LUKE: Okay, so you open the door and check and what happens?

MIKEY: Door opens. There's pillows under the blanket. Classic move, right? Like something out of

a movie.

LUKE: Yup, that sounds like a 17 year old kid thing to do, and how

did you react?

MIKEY: I freaked out, man. I immediately grabbed my phone, tried calling, straight to voicemail.

So I'm thinking, okay, where would they go? I know my kid. I know their

friends. I got in my truck and I just started driving to the usual spots.

And Luke, I found them.

LUKE: All right, great, where did you find them?

MIKEY: Over at this house on the east side, one of their friends' older brother's

places. I pull up and there's like six, seven cars in the driveway. Music going

lights on. It's a full party, man. And here's the thing that's got me messed

up. I look through the window before I go in and there's adults in there.

LUKE: All right, well, that's not good. How adults are we talking? Are we talking

Jeffrey Epstein adult? Are we talking, you know, 21 adult?

MIKEY: No, no, no. Thank God, nothing like that. I'm talking like mid-twenties, maybe. One

guy looked 30. But still, Luke, these are grown people throwing a party at 2

a.m.

LUKE: Well, that's the thing that grown people are, uh, want to do, especially on

Valentine's Day weekend. So it's not that, uh, that odd. What did you do with

your kid when you, when you found her there?

MIKEY: I went in there and man, I tried to stay cool. But I was

pissed. I found my kid in the kitchen and they looked terrified when they saw

me. I just said, we're leaving now. Didn't make a scene. Didn't yell at anybody

else. Just got them out of there. The whole drive home dead silence. They're sitting

there staring out the window. I'm gripping the steering wheel.

LUKE: All right, so everybody's home and safe now. And uh, crisis is averted. What

are you going to do about the situation tomorrow? Are you going to grab the

kid or is there some consequence for sneaking out? How are you going to handle

it?

MIKEY: That's exactly why I'm calling man. I don't know. Part of me wants to

ground them until their 30 take the phone the whole nine yards. But the other

part of me is thinking, I was 17 once you know. I snuck out. I

went to parties.

LUKE: Yep, so did I. That's part of growing up and I think as long

as they were being relatively safe. I think that's a pretty alright thing and you

should take it easy. Let them know you're disappointed in the whole lion and sneaking

out thing. And next time, be more forthcoming but otherwise, I think you should maybe

let this one go.

MIKEY: Yeah, but Luke, here's what's eating at me. It's not just that they snuck

out. It's that there were adults there providing alcohol to minors. I saw the bottles.

I saw the cups. These weren't kids raiding somebody's parents liquor cabinet. These were grown

people who should know better hosting this thing.

LUKE: Yeah, and your kids 17 and you went to parties when you were 17

and I went to parties when I was 17 and it wasn't really a party

unless there was adults there with real liquor and alcohol. Was it? Like, come on,

17 is not exactly 12. They're damn near drinking age anyway.

MIKEY: I mean, you're not wrong. Three more years and it's legal anyway. And yeah,

the parties I went to at 17. There was always somebody's older cousin or some

guy who just turned 20, one buying beer.

LUKE: And I think you just got to talk to your kid. Let them know

that safety is important and give some guidance in that way and be there for

them. But I don't think this deserves any sort of serious punishment. I think it's

a pretty normal kid thing to do.

MIKEY: You know what, Luke, I hear you. I really do.

LUKE: Maybe I'm overreacting because I caught them and it freaked me out, seeing your

kid in that situation. Even if it's normal, it just hits different when you're the

parent. You know, I think you're right. I need to have a real conversation with

them tomorrow. Not yelling, not lecturing, but actually talking. All right, well, thank you for

the call. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I'm glad everybody's

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All right, Bev. Bev, welcome to the show. Here's what we're doing. Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm going to read you a dating profile and I want you to let me

know if it's a yes or no.

BEV: All right. Oh, man, okay. Yeah, I'm game. Let's do this.

LUKE: All right, let's do this. Your profile is Terence. Terence is 31 years old

in Albuquerque, New Mexico. In the photo, he's in a kitchen, in an apron, and

it's really, really clean. It's like he's pointing. I skill it at the camera. In

the bio, it says claims adjuster by day. At night, I cologne and narrate everything

I'm doing in a British accent. There is no show. It's just me and Dolores,

the skillet. My chiropractor told me to get a body pillow, and I named her

Margarit. She's in some of the photos and I am not apologizing. Is Terence a

yay or a nay for you?

BEV: Oh my god, I'm swiping right so hard. Are you kidding me? This is

amazing. Okay, first of all, anyone who names their cast iron skillet is automatically husband

material. Like, I respect that level of commitment to your cookware. And the British accent

thing?

LUKE: Yeah, the British accent thing does it for you?

BEV: Hell yeah, it does. I mean, look, I'm picturing this guy just like narrating

his whole evening like he's on the Great British baking show or something. And now

we're going to sear the chicken to a lovely golden brown. Like, are you serious?

That's adorable and hilarious at the same time.

LUKE: Okay, so if we were to set you up here with Terence, where would

you where would you want to go?

BEV: Oh, okay, so here's the thing. I would want him to cook for me.

Like, straight up, first date at his place. I know that sounds forward, but come

on, the man's got Dolores, the skillet, and that abnormally clean kitchen. I want to

see this in action. I want to hear the British accent narration live.

LUKE: All right, so you go over his house for your first date because you're

a wonderful meal. It's delicious. You've never eaten anything like it before in your life.

And things are going well. What happens next on your date?

BEV: Okay, so things are going well. The food was incredible. And I'm thinking I

want to see if this guy's for real, you know? Like, is he actually this

charming and weird in person? Or is it all an act?

LUKE: And how are you going to figure that out? What are you going to

what's your assessment?

BEV: I'm going to ask to meet Margaret, the body pillow. Like, I need to

know if he's actually got this thing prominently displayed or if it was just for

the dating profile, you know? Because if Margaret's real and he's not embarrassed about it,

then this dude is genuinely comfortable with himself.

LUKE: And that's okay. So you're going to have him cook you dinner and then

you're going to have him take you to the bedroom and then what's going to

happen?

BEV: Whoa. Okay, hold on, Luke. I said I want to Margaret, not like, I

mean, yeah, she's in the bedroom probably. But I'm talking about seeing if he's actually

as quirky and honest as he seems. Like, is this body pillow thing real? Or

was it just a funny line?

LUKE: Well, it's in the picture. So it looks like it's real. So are you

going to like get in the bed and give the body pillow a hug and

test its snuggleness?

BEV: Ha. Okay, you know what? Yeah, I might. I might absolutely give Margaret a

test hug just to see what the appeal is.

LUKE: All right. And then what is what's Terrence going to cook for you in

the morning?

BEV: Oh, man. I didn't even think about breakfast. Okay, so if Terrence is as

good as his profile, make some sound. I'm thinking maybe some kind of fancy eggs

situation. Like, he seems like the type who do a proper English breakfast. You know,

the whole deal with the beans and the tomatoes and the blood sausage and make

French toast with that skillet of his narrating the whole thing to Dolores while I'm

sitting there with coffee trying not to laugh. But honestly, I'd be happy with anything

as long as he's still being himself and not suddenly getting all weird and performative

about it being the morning after. You know what I mean?

LUKE: Yeah. Okay. Now, let's say you get to Terrence's house and he makes you

dinner and it's not good. You don't like it at all. And he's very offended

that you don't like the food that he cooked for you. And things take a

strange and unpleasant turn. How are you going to handle the situation?

BEV: Okay. So first of all, I'm going to be honest, but not brutal about

it. Right? Like, hey, this isn't really my thing, but I appreciate the effort. But

if he gets offended, like actually upset that I'm not worshiping his cooking, that's a

red flag the size of New Mexico, Luke.

LUKE: Yes, it is. And that's good. It sounds like a healthy response. Thank you

for calling in, Bev. Did you have anything else you wanted to talk about tonight?

BEV: Oh, actually, yeah, I did call in for something else. So this is going

to sound random, but I just watched this documentary about black holes and particle physics.

And I cannot stop thinking about it. Like, I work at the DMV, right?

LUKE: Right. What's it about black holes or was it about particle physics? And what's

that got to do with the DMV?

BEV: Okay. So it was about both. Like how black holes warp space time and

all this stuff about particles that exist and don't exist at the same time. And

what it's got to do with the DMV is absolutely nothing. That's the point. I

spend all day processing registrations and listening to people complain about their license photos. And

then I go home and my brain is just hungry for something bigger, you know?

Like, I'm sitting there learning about how time literally slows down near a black hole.

And I'm thinking about how my days at work feel like they're moving in slow

motion anyway. But this stuff actually matters.

LUKE: I guess that depends on your perspective. I mean, one could say that your

work at the DMV actually matters more than whether time dilates around a black hole.

But, you know, it's okay to be interested in more than one thing. You can

do your job. That's your job. It's just work. And then the whole rest of

the universe is open for you when you're not at work. And you need both

things in your life to be a well-rounded and healthy person.

BEV: Yeah, you're right. I mean, I know people need their licenses and their registrations.

That stuff matters for real life. But God, Luke, it's just so mundane sometimes. Like

today, Valentine's Day, everyone's coming in stressed about their expire tags or whatever. And I'm

sitting there thinking about how there's literally particles popping in and out of existence at

the edge of black holes. It's called Hawking Radiation. Isn't that wild? And I guess

what I'm realizing is I've been so focused on just getting through my days, my

second marriage, making things work after my first one crashed and burned. But I forgot

I'm allowed to be curious about things.

LUKE: You are absolutely allowed to be curious about things. And if you're curious about

Hawking Radiation, you should listen to yesterday's episode when we talked about it for a

good bit. But thank you for the call. It's been a good one. And I

hope you have a nice rest of your Valentine's Day weekend.

BEV: Oh, shit. You talked about it yesterday? I missed it. Okay, I'm definitely going

back to listen to that.

LUKE: Alright, thanks for the call, Bev. And now we've got next up is Rick.

Rick, welcome to the show. I'm going to read you this dating profile. I want

you to let me know if you'd go on a date with this person or

if you would just pass.

RICK: Hey, Luke, good to be back on. All right, lay it on me. Let's

hear this profile.

LUKE: Alright, your match is Angela. She's 29 years old and she lives in Edgwood,

Montana. In her photo, it's a picture of her in a white SUV. She's got

her seat belt on. She's got Starbucks full makeup. It looks like morning. So she's

probably going to work, I would guess. She's got the face of a woman who's

about to go live on Instagram. Her vibes are mirror is down. And then she's

got some other photos here. You can see there's a the back window there. It's

got a little stick figure family. Something in cursive that says blessed. Her bio says

Christian conservative girl mom, small business owner, ask me about Lumi glow. It's not a

pyramid scheme. There's literally a chart. I will show you the chart. I wake up

at 530 because my highlight doesn't do itself. I need a man who braze provides

and protects in that order. If you don't have a relationship with God, we need

to talk about that first. My daughter is my whole world. I also sell skincare.

And it changed my life. So what do you think of Angela, Rick?

RICK: Oh man, Luke, listen, I got to be honest with you. I'm swiping left

so fast I might break my phone. Look, nothing against her. She seems like she's

got her life together, right? She's up at 530. She's running a business. I respect

the hustle.

LUKE: So why is it a no for you, sir?

RICK: Listen, it's a couple things. First off, I'm 65 years old. She's 29. I

could be her grandfather, Luke.

LUKE: That's just that sounds like one of them good problems to have, sir.

RICK: Oh, come on now. No, but seriously, Luke, the ask me about Lumi glow

thing. That right there tells me I'm going to spend every day hearing about skincare

products and how I need to be a distributor or whatever. She says it's not

a pyramid scheme and then immediately mentions a brother. If you got to show me

a chart to prove it's not a pyramid scheme, it's a pyramid scheme. And look,

I got nothing against faith. I was raised Catholic. My ex-wife Diane was pretty religious,

but when someone leads with if you don't have a relationship with God, we need

to talk about that first. That's...

LUKE: Yeah, I don't disagree with you. So what would it take for you to

give Angela a chance, even though there's this dramatic age gap?

RICK: Oh, man, you're really going to make me think about this, huh? All right,

listen, if Angela came at me without the sales pitch, that'd be a start. Like

if she just said, hey, I run a small business and left it at that,

I could respect it. And if she dialed back the intensity on the God talk,

I mean, I'm not against it, but maybe we could just have coffee first before

we get into my eternal soul, you know?

LUKE: That sounds very reasonable, sir. Thanks for the call. We appreciate it, but now

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I didn't endorse it. Okay, and welcome back to the show. Sheila, Sheila, welcome to

the show. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm going to read you this Tinder profile, and I

want you to let me know if it's a pass or a fail for you,

okay?

SHEILA: Oh God, okay. Yeah, let me hear it. I could use a laugh tonight,

honestly. Go ahead.

LUKE: Okay, your match is Greg. He's 44 years old from Rio Rancho, New Mexico.

In his photo, he's got wrap around Oakley's, but they're on his head, not his

face. They're just kind of sitting up there. He's in the driver's seat of a

truck. It looks like a ram, and he took this selfie from below, which is

the worst possible angle. He's got to go tease, wearing an under-armor, looking kind of

polo thing. There's a Punisher Skull sticker on the dashboard, and one of those little

tree air fresheners. His other photos are the truck from the outside, a fish, a

gym selfie, and a photo with his kids where their faces are scribbled out with

a pen tool. His bio says, work hard, play hard, dad of two. I back

into it every spot. I will hold the door open for you, whether you like

it or not. Not here for games or drama. If you can't handle me in

my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. Law, probably swiped right for your

dog. Six oh, since that matter is apparently truck guy, gym five times a week,

upper body in parentheses, looking for a woman, not a girl. Is Sheila, what do

you have to say about Greg?

SHEILA: Oh Jesus Christ, Luke, that's a hard pass. Like, I'm not even being mean,

but come on. First of all, the Oakley's on top of his head.

LUKE: What you got against Oakleys?

SHEILA: Nothing. Nothing against Oakleys, but when they're just sitting up there like a headband,

not even being used, that's a choice. But honestly, it's the whole vibe. If you

can't handle me at my worst, dude, that's a red flag the size of New

Mexico.

LUKE: Yeah, I heard that a couple times tonight. Red flag the size of New

Mexico. It's a pretty big red flag. So Sheila, what would you be looking for

in one of these dating profiles? What would you think and what would make you

want to take one of these gentlemen out?

SHEILA: Wait, hold on. I'm not actually on the market, Luke. I've been with my

boyfriend for three years now. I just thought this was a fun game.

LUKE: Yeah, it is. Your boyfriend don't get nothing to do with this. What's your

man get to do with me? We're just, we're just hyper thysen, hypothetical eyes in

here. So imagine that you didn't have the boyfriend and you were just swiping Tinder

on Valentine's Day weekend. What would you be looking for? What would, what would reach

out to you? What would speak to you?

SHEILA: Okay. Okay. Hypothetically, I mean, I guess I'd want someone who's actually honest, you

know? Not trying to be some tough guy or whatever. Like just say what you

actually do with your time. If you make bird houses or you're into weird documentaries

or whatever, just own it.

LUKE: Okay, well, you're a current boyfriend now. What was his dating profile like when

you met him?

SHEILA: Oh God, we didn't meet online. We met at work actually. I was doing

some taxidermy work for this hunting lodge and he was doing electrical stuff there. So

no profile, just him being normal in person, I guess. Which is probably better because

I don't know if I would have swiped right on anyone. Honestly, the whole thing

seems exhausting.

LUKE: Okay. Well, just because you met in person doesn't mean you didn't have a

dating profile.

LUKE: I'm sure he did and I'm sure that you looked for it at one

point during the courtship process because if you didn't, I think at this point that

would be insane. You're going to know what what what your potential partner is doing

out on the inner web is now.

CALLER: Okay, you got me there. Yeah, I looked. Of course, I looked.

LUKE: Okay, and what did it say?

CALLER: Oh man, it was so bad. Like, truly terrible. He had this one picture

where he's holding a fish, which whatever, guys love that. But then another one where

he's just standing in front of his truck with his arms crossed. Very serious.

LUKE: So if you had just stumbled across his dating profile, you wouldn't have given

him the time of day, right? You would have said, this is a terrible profile.

But since you met him in person, you saw he was a normal gentleman. You

saw something that you wouldn't have seen in the profile. Do you think that's common?

CALLER: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, his bio was like two sentences, something about liking the

outdoors and being laid back. Which, okay, everyone says that. There was nothing in there

about how he's actually pretty funny when you get him talking or that he's good

with his hands. Not like that, I mean, he can fix stuff or that he's

patient with my dad, which is huge because my dad is a lot.

LUKE: So what you're saying is your boyfriend isn't very good with his hands?

CALLER: Oh my god, no, I meant like fixing things. Electrical work. He literally rewired

half my house. Get your stuff. I'm not going to lie on the radio and

say he's bad at other stuff either.

LUKE: All right, good for you. Well, it sounds like you made the right decision

and you're in a happy relationship, so I hope you two have a wonderful remainder

of your Valentine's Day weekend.

CALLER: Well, hold on. I didn't call to talk about my love life. I actually

called because I'm dealing with this whole nightmare situation with my neighbor's dog. It bit

my kid last week, and now the neighbor is saying my daughter provoked it, which

is complete bullshit.

LUKE: How do you know it's bullshit?

CALLER: Because I know my kid. She's seven. She was literally just standing in our

yard throwing a ball for our own dog. When their pit mix came barreling through

the fence, which has been broken for like two months by the way, and I've

asked them to fix it three times. The dog went straight for her and bit

her arm. She needed stitches.

LUKE: And how did the owner of the dog react to this? Did she take

care of the medical bills and stuff?

CALLER: He and no, he did not. He came over after it happened, saw the

blood on her shirt, and his first words were, well, what did she do to

him? Like my seven-year-old is out here antagonizing dogs for fun. Then he said his

dog is protective and wouldn't just attack for no reason? I'm like, dude, she's a

child in her own yard. That is no reason. Now animal control is involved because

I reported it, and he's telling them this whole story about how she was teasing

the dog with food, which never happened.

LUKE: Well, I don't think that matters anyway. If animal control is involved and the

dog has bitten the child, I don't think it really matters if the child was

teasing the dog or not.

CALLER: That's what I thought too, but apparently they're doing this whole investigation thing, and

his version matters for whether the dog gets labeled dangerous or not. And he's got

ring camera footage. He says, we'll prove his side, but he won't show it to

me, only to animal control. Which makes me think he's full of it, because if

he had proof my kid did something, wouldn't he be shoving it in my face?

And the worst part is, my dad, who lives with us, has been over there

twice now trying to handle it man-to-man, which just means he's yelling at the guy

in his driveway.

LUKE: Oh, that sounds like an uncomfortable situation. That's no fun. I'm glad that your

kid is okay, and hopefully the dog is okay too, and maybe you can resolve

that situation a little more peacefully.

CALLER: Luke, I didn't call for you to both sides this. The dog bit my

kid. There's no hopefully the dog is okay too. The dog is fine. My daughter

has six stitches and is scared to play in her own yard now, and peaceful

went out the window when this guy decided to lie about what happened instead of

just apologizing and fixing his damn fence.

LUKE: Well listen, you don't get to tell me how to respond, and I like

dogs, so I don't ever want to see dogs be harmed or punished. And it

sounds like you don't have any proof that this other guy was in the wrong.

So why don't you just back the fuck up there lady and take my both

sides for what it's worth, which is nothing. You call the radio show on Valentine's

Day, so go fuck yourself.

CALLER: Wow. Okay, you know what Luke? I called because I thought maybe someone out

there listening has dealt with this kind of thing, and could tell me what to

expect from animal control, but clearly you're more worried about the feelings of a dog

that put a child in urgent care than the actual child.

LUKE: Yep, that is absolutely 100% correct. You got me there. That's the truth. All

right Brenda, you're going to be our last caller. I'm going to give you a

dating profile, and I want you to let me know if you would go for

this person or not, okay?

BRENDA: Oh man, okay. Yeah, I'll play along. Hit me with it, Luke. Let's see

what you got.

LUKE: Okay, your match is Chuck. He's 58 years old from Belen, New Mexico, in

his photo he's standing in the driveway next to a boat on a trailer. It

looks like the boat hasn't been in the water for a long time. There's leaves

in it a bunch of them. It looks like there was a tarp on it

at one point, but now it's just on the ground next to the boat, and

the man standing there with his hands on his hips looking real proud. The bio

says, I have a boat. It doesn't run. It's been in the driveway three years.

My neighbor went to the HOA twice. The HOA came to talk to me in

person. I'm retired. I have nothing but time. The motor needs work. The trailer needs

tires. The electrical is shot, but the hull is solid, and that's what matters. My

buddy Gary says sell it. Gary drives the camera. Gary doesn't have a dream.

BRENDA: Oh my god, okay, wait. So this man's entire dating profile is basically, I'm

in a standoff with my HOA over a boat that doesn't work. You know what?

I'm going to swipe right on Chuck. Here's why. This man has commitment.

LUKE: All right, so this is the commitment is going to do it for you,

huh? You're going to go on a date with Chuck. You're going to wait for

him to fix up that boat and take you out on the lake.

BRENDA: Yeah, I mean, look, I've been married twice. Look, both times to men who

said they were going to do things and then didn't. At least Chuck is honest

about the fact that his boat doesn't run and probably never will. That's refreshing, and

you know what? Three years fighting the HOA.

LUKE: Yeah, so Brenda, do you have a dating profile right now?

BRENDA: No, no, I don't. I'm not really in that headspace right now, to be

honest. I actually called in tonight because I've got something kind of wild going on,

but I was happy to play your game first.

LUKE: All right, great. Well, we appreciate that. What's going on in your life? Why

are you calling in tonight?

BRENDA: Okay, so my mom passed away about eight months ago and I've been going

through her stuff, right? Cleaning out the house, sorting through everything. And a couple weeks

ago, I got into her old email account because I was looking for some financial

documents, insurance stuff, you know, and look, I found emails going back like 15 years

to a woman named Patricia and it turns out my mom had another kid.

LUKE: Oh, yeah, how old's the kid?

BRENDA: She's not a kid anymore. She's 47. Her name is Diane. My mom gave

her up for adoption in like 1977, way before she had me.

LUKE: Have you reached out to Diane at all? Have you made contact with your

long-lost sister?

BRENDA: Not yet. That's the thing. I've been sitting on this for two weeks just

completely freaked out. I found Diane on Facebook. She lives over in Tucson. She's got

two kids, works at a credit union.

LUKE: Okay, well, are you going to try and make contact there and talk to

her or are you going to let this one go?

BRENDA: Diane, yeah, I mean, that's why I'm calling. Look, I don't know if I

should. Like, what do I even say? Hey, a mom died and I found out

you exist while going through her emails. That sounds insane.

LUKE: It does sound a little insane but it's the truth and it is a

little insane and maybe she wants to know. I mean, that's probably what I would

do. I don't know how I would feel in that situation. I'd probably want to

at least meet that person though.

BRENDA: Yeah, that's what keeps eating at me. Like she's my sister, half sister, whatever.

She's blood. And from the emails, it looks like my mom and Patricia, that's the

adoptive mom. They stayed in touch for years. They'd send updates, photos, sometimes.

LUKE: Well, it's really interesting. I'm sure your mom had a pretty good reason to

give her up for adoption and it sounds like she tried to stay involved in

her life so it wasn't just like a dump and run. So yeah, that's interesting

but congratulations on finding a new sister. That's pretty cool.

BRENDA: I mean, yeah, when you say it like that, it sounds cool. But look,

I'm also kind of pissed off. You know, my whole life, I thought I wasn't

only child. My mom never said a word about this.

LUKE: Sure, but it wasn't about you. You weren't even around yet. So I'm sure

that she was just trying to protect what's her name, Diane, from finding out that

she was adopted and having the most normal life she possibly could. So I'm sure

your mom had a reason. It sounds like she wasn't she wasn't being an asshole

about it, but she for whatever reason couldn't couldn't take advocate at that time.

BRENDA: You're right. You're right. I know that in my head. Mom was only 21

when she had Diane. No money, no support. Her parents had already kicked her out.

I get why she did it.

LUKE: Yeah, well, maybe maybe you could go meet up with Chuck and you and

Chuck could go meet up with Diane and then you could all hash it out

together and become a new happy family.

BRENDA: Oh God, no. Chuck's not in the picture anymore. He died like 10 years

ago. I saw his obituary when I was doing all the stigging. Heart attack at

58. Never married. No other kids that I could find.

LUKE: Well, I don't know if we're talking about the same Chuck there because I'm

talking about the Chuck that I just read to you. The dating profile. Like I

have from Belen with a boat. I use also 58 though. So that's quite a

coincidence.

BRENDA: Wait, what? Luke, I didn't. I've been so in my head about this Diane

thing. I wasn't even listening to that part. I called in about my sister's situation,

not for dating profiles. So honestly, at this point, maybe I need the distraction. What

kind of boat does this Chuck have?

LUKE: Okay, well, you sound a little bit distracted. You're going to have to go

back and listen to the show. And we've run out of time. This is the

end of our Valentine's Day special. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your

night and reach out to that long-lost sister and see if you can maybe came

to a relationship. Maybe not. Who knows? But it's been another wonderful and illuminating episode

of Luke at the Roost tonight. Thanks for tuning in. And I hope you all

have a great evening. Well, bye.