Episode 27: Love, Loss, and Loud Opinions

All right. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen to Luke at the Roost. The call-in radio show where you can call in and ask me questions, and I'll give you the best advice that I can. If you'd like to call in, the number's 208-439-58-3. That's 208-439 Luke. Today is Tuesday, March 3rd, and we're going to get to the phone lines here. We've got Chester.

What are you calling in for tonight, sir? Well, Luke, I'm sitting here in my trailer out at the yard, and I just saw this thing on the news about Mexican Chile coming in and undercutting our prices. And it got me all worked up because, you know, I remember back in 2008 during monsoon season. I drove all the way up to hatch in the middle of a storm because I wanted real New Mexico peppers, the authentic ones, not this garbage they're trying to pass off now. And my roof was leaking that same night, water coming through in three different spots, but I went anyway.

because some things matter more than convenience, you know what I do. And now my girlfriend, Denise, she keeps saying we should just buy the pre-roasted stuff from Costco, which is exactly the problem with everything these days. Nobody cares about quality anymore. Nobody cares about where things come from or what they mean. Everything's got to be easy and cheap and fast, and I'm sitting here thinking, maybe that's connected to something bigger I've been wrestling with, but I haven't quite figured out how to say it yet. Well, I mean, where do the chilies come from that go,

than the Costco ones, because they could be coming from Hatch New Mexico. I don't know. No, no, no. See, that's what they want you to think. But if you look at the label, really look at it. Most of that stuff is coming from Anaheim, California. Or they're mixing it with peppers from Mexico or even Peru sometimes. They slap Hatch style on there, which doesn't mean a damn thing legally. Hatch child means it's grown in the Hatch Valley in that specific soil with that specific climate. My buddy Ray, he used to work at one of the roasting-off.

operations up there before it got bought out. And he told me they started blending in cheaper peppers from wherever they could get them, because the demand got so high after it became this trendy thing. And people can't tell the difference anymore because they never had the real thing to begin with. When I drove up there in 2008, I bought directly from the Franzoi family. Watch them roast it right there. Filled up my whole truck bed. Well, that sounds pretty excessive. You're a real connoisseur of chili peppers. I can't tell the difference myself. I do like that. I do

I don't know if they're Hatch Chilies or Hatch style chilies, but I like the green chili on my burgers. And honestly, I could care less whether it comes from Hatch, New Mexico, or Anaheim, California. They're not very far apart. Neither is Mexico. And I bet that the peppers in Peru are fabulous. So what's the big issue here? Well, that's exactly what Denise says. Maybe you're both right. Maybe I'm the one who's got it all twisted up. But it's not really about the peppers, Luke.

I don't know. They're the thing I can point to and say, this matters. This is real. This is worth doing right. It seems like a pretty small thing to get hung up on doing right. I mean, chili peppers that are like a condiment on your burger. But hey, if you like the hatch ones, drive out to hatch and fill up your truck bed. Good for you. I don't, I'm not sure what sort of volume of peppers come out of hatch. Is there enough chili pepper grown?

in Hatch, New Mexico to supply the whole country? No, that's the thing. There's not. The whole valley only produces maybe 30,000 tons in a good year. And the country wants millions of pounds of the stuff now that it got popular. So mathematically it doesn't work, which means most of what people are eating isn't what they think it is, and that bothers me on principle. But you're right, it's a small thing. The real reason I called, and I've been dancing around it, is that Denise has been dropping hints about getting married for about six months now. Okay, well, I don't really see how.

how you've been dancing around that, but how do you feel about getting married to Denise? I don't know, Luke. That's the problem. We've been together four years. She's a good woman, works hard at the hospital as a billing clerk, doesn't complain about the hours I keep at the yard. She makes sense on paper. But every time she brings it up, I get this feeling in my chest like something's closing in. And I change the subject, or I pick a fight about something stupid like the peppers. Well, you don't have to get married if you don't want to get married. Definitely don't get married

sure you want to get married. My recommendation to everybody is absolutely under no circumstances get married because it's the worst fucking possible thing you could ever do. But no, people don't listen. I didn't listen. I did it myself and it was the worst fucking thing I ever did. So don't. See, that's what I keep telling myself. But then I think about my dad. He never married my mom, just kept her hanging on for 17 years saying he wasn't ready, wasn't sure, needed more time.

Yeah, but he fell apart with 100% of his assets, I'm sure. Whereas if he had got married and she left him, he would have fell apart with half. Well, he didn't have much to split anyway. The junkyard was already mortgage to hell, and she never wanted any of it. She just wanted him to commit to something for once in his life instead of keeping one foot out the door all the time. And now he's 72, lives alone in that same trailer, eats TV dinners, and I can see myself.

turning into that. Well, I think that getting married out of fear of being alone is definitely the wrong reason. But you're your own man. If you think it's time to tie the knot, then go ahead and do it. But I recommend that you don't. And absolutely, if you're going to get married, prenuptial agreement. Yeah, Denise would lose her mind if I brought up a pre-nup. She'd take it as me planning for failure before we even started.

And maybe she'd be right. The thing is, Luke, I think the real problem is I don't know if I'm capable of what she needs. She wants someone who comes home at a decent hour, who wants to take vacations to Branson or wherever, who's excited about picking out furniture and talking about where we'd send kids to school. Well, I mean, are you that guy? I mean, I didn't bring up pre-nup either for all of those reasons. It seems like an offensive thing if you're talking about getting married. But you know what? It's better to be offensive up front.

than have to get a lawyer later. No, I'm not that guy. I'm the guy who'd rather stay at the yard until midnight organizing parts bins that don't need organizing because at least out there, I know what I'm doing. And she knows that about me, which is maybe why she keeps pushing the marriage thing, thinking a ring and a ceremony will transform me into somebody different. My buddy Ray did that, married a woman who wanted him to be less of a drinker, and now he sneaks bourbon in the garage and lies about where he's been. That's no way to live either. No, sir, it is not.

And if that's what you think is going on here and she wants to marry you because she thinks that's going to change your behavior, then I think you should definitely not do that because it's not going to go well. Your behavior is not going to change. Or if it does, you're going to resent that you changed it for somebody else. And eventually, you're both going to hate each other. And it's not going to be a pleasant experience. So if you're not completely sure you want to get married and you shouldn't be, then don't do it.

advice for you is just don't do it. And if she feels like she's hanging on and doesn't want to hang on, let her go. That's the thing that keeps me up at night, though, Luke. What if I let her go in five years from now, I'm sitting in that trailer like my dad, realizing I had something real, and I threw it away because I was too chicken shit to commit. Because the honest truth is, it's not that I don't love her. I do. Yeah. Well, love and marriage are not the same thing. You can absolutely love somebody without being married to them.

Marriage actually has absolutely nothing to do with love. And I don't know, if she's going to leave because you're not going to commit, that seems like good riddance. If you're not ready to commit, she shouldn't be pressuring you into committing, because that's wrong, too. You're right about that. She does this thing where she'll show me pictures on her phone at her cousin's wedding, or somebody's new house, and then she gets real quiet and looks at me like I'm supposed to say something. Last week, she left a bridal magazine on my truck seat. I mean, that's not at a house.

asking, that's telling. And maybe the reason I can't pull the trigger is because deep down, I know she's trying to build a life I don't actually want. She talks about moving into town, getting a place with a real lawn. And all I can think is who the hell wants to mow grass when you could have desert and not worry about it. I agree with you. And it sounds like you've got your answer. I mean, she's already trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. And you might because you're afraid you're going to be alone if she leaves and pick somebody else that will change to be.

whatever it is she wants, you know, him to be. So I say, you know, stick to your guns. If you don't want to get married, don't get married. Don't do it just because it's what she wants you to do, or it's going to end badly. And either way, whether it's your idea or her idea, prenuptial agreement, that's non-negotiable. Prenuptial agreement. Yeah. You know what, Luke? I appreciate you saying that, because everybody else in my life has been telling me the opposite. Her sister thinks I'm stringing Denise along. My mom says,

says I'm being selfish. Even Ray said I should just do it. Because what else am I going to do at 53? You're going to do whatever you damn well please, because you're a 53-year-old adult male with agency. And you don't want to have this life where you're living in a house, mowing a lawn, going to Home Depot every weekend. If that's not what you want, don't do it. Because that is what she wants. That's exactly it. She's got this whole vision worked out. And I'm just supposed to slot into it like a part that fits.

Last month, she dragged me to this open house in town, three-bedroom ranch with a two-car garage, and the whole time the realtors talking. I'm thinking about how far that is from the yard, how I'd have to drive 20 minutes each way, how I'd hear neighbors through the walls, and Denise is in there measuring windows for curtains she hasn't bought yet. I walked out to the truck and sat there until she was done. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know what to do, and what to do is nothing. And if she's not okay with you the way you are,

than next. Next woman. There's plenty of people out there, and you might find somebody that's already been through it, been divorced, done the nesting thing, had the house, and you might find somebody that's life goals are more in line with your own. So that's what I've got to say for you, and we're going to move on to the next caller. Do you have anything else to finish up with? Just one thing, Luke. You said prenuptial agreement earlier, and that got me thinking. I never even considered that angle, because I figured no.

Nobody would want to marry a guy who runs a junkyard anyway. But you're right. If I ever did do this thing, with anybody, I'd need to protect what I built. That yard's been my life for 27 years. Yeah, and you're just thinking about today, right? So maybe you've got nothing to split or only the junkyard's not worth much today. But 10 years from now, who knows? You could win the lottery. You could change your career. Anything could happen. It's not that things are going to fall apart immediately, and you're going to have to figure out

split up assets. It's 10, 15, 20 years down the road when you both turn into different people entirely, then you've got to split up everything. And it might be a very different situation. That makes sense. My buddy Carl over in Las Cruces, he had a transmission shop. Married this woman who seemed fine at the time. Fifteen years later, she's got a lawyer and half his business because he never thought about any of this stuff when they were young and happy. Now he's working for someone else in his own damn shop.

Yeah, man, and you say she's not interested in the junkyard, and that might be true, but it really has nothing to do with anything. Because when it comes down to it, if she's mad at you, she knows that that junkyard is important to you, and that's what she's coming after. Even if she doesn't, you know, know anything about the junkyard, she doesn't want it at all. She just wants you to not have it. So make sure you protect yourself, because people change, and in my experience, they get mean. You're absolutely right about that. I've seen it happen. Hell. I've got a whole sense.

section of the yard that's just stuff from divorces. People dumping their ex's belongings, smashing up cars they used to share, all kinds of meanness. There's a boat out there been sitting for eight years because neither one of them would let the other have it, so they just let it rot instead. Yeah, man, sounds wonderful. Sounds like the dream right there. Don't do it. Just don't do it. You don't want to. And she doesn't really want to. She doesn't want to marry you. She just wants to be married. Because that's what society.

teaches women they need to survive in this world. And they feel like if you're not committing to them, then they're not worth it in some way, and they're wasting their time. The whole thing is just a stupid mess. Don't do it. Next up, we've got Tanya. Tanya, welcome to the show. How can I solve your life problem today? Oh, gosh, hi, Luke. Thanks for taking my call. So my husband just texted me that he's spending the night at his girlfriend's place, and I've been sitting here in my restaurant office for like an hour,

staring at my phone, and I don't know what I'm feeling. Okay, well, obviously, you know about the girlfriend. This is an open type relationship. How does that work? Your husband has a girlfriend and you're okay with that? Or you don't know if you're okay with that? What's the situation? Give us some context. Right, so six months ago, I suggested we open up our marriage. I read this article about how it can bring back excitement, and I thought maybe that's what we needed, because things had gotten really flat, you know? And he was.

I was into the idea, but here's the thing, Luke. The thing is he's got his girlfriend and you don't have somebody else now. He's working out for him and not you, I assume. Exactly. He found someone on this Dayton app within like a week. Her name's Rebecca. And I've been trying. I really have. I've sent out probably 30 messages and I haven't gotten a single reply. Not one. So are you jealous that he's out with his girlfriend? Or are you jealous that he found a girlfriend and you didn't find a boyfriend? What is it that's boss?

That's what I keep trying to figure out. I keep telling myself I'm happy he's happy. Right? Like that was the whole point. But tonight when I got his text, I saw my reflection in the office window here, and I realized I couldn't remember the last time I actually looked at myself for that long. Do you even want a boyfriend? I mean, you said the spice was gone or whatever and what, I assume you guys weren't having sex and you wanted some? Are you not able to get laid?

I mean, I want to want it. Does that make sense? Like I thought opening things up would make me feel alive again or desirable or something. But honestly, Luke, I don't even know if I'm actually attracted to any of these guys I'm messaging. I'm just doing it because that was supposed to be how this works. We both get to see other people and it fixes things somehow. Well, obviously, that's not going to work. You have to actually want to see other people. I think that can work for certain couples. I think it's very difficult and you have to be the right kind of person.

people for it to work. But just trying to fix a problem by opening it up seems like it's probably going to just make a worse problem. Is it that you're not attracted to men? No, no, it's not that. I'm attracted to my husband still, or I was. I think what's happening is I suggested this whole thing because I thought it would make him want me again, you know? Like maybe if other people wanted me, he'd remember why he did. But now he's over at Rebecca's place and I'm sitting here and clothes that smell like friar oil, and I'm realizing I might have just given him permission to leave.

without actually leaving. Well, if he wants to leave without actually leaving, then that's probably a good thing, right? It's better to know that now than to go the rest of your lives, having him pinned or trapped. But I think if you really want to give this a shot and see what it could do for you, I mean, go clean yourself up. Take a shower, make yourself look nice. Go out and find yourself a dude. It shouldn't be that difficult for you to do. You can get on those dating apps too.

if you want to. Or you could just go to any bar and, you know, get yourself all gurlyed up and enjoy the feeling of being desired again in that fresh new excitement of a new relationship or a one-night stand or whatever it is you're looking for. You're right. I know you're right. But here's what I didn't tell you. The one guy who did respond to me about three weeks ago, we were supposed to meet up at this bar in Demmon. I got all ready. Did my hair? Put on this dress I haven't worn.

years. And then what? Why didn't you meet him? I sat in the parking lot for 40 minutes and then I drove home. I told myself the place looked too crowded that I didn't want to deal with it. But really, I just kept thinking, what am I doing? This isn't me. Well, I think you need to have a conversation with your husband and tell him you tried it. It's not working out. And you're glad he had a good time. Don't be mad at him for doing what you suggested, but let him know that it's making you feel bad.

And just tell him what you told me, that you were hoping that it would make him desire you more, and that's not how it worked out, and have that conversation, and see how that goes. Yeah, yeah, you're probably right. I think I've been avoiding that conversation, because I'm scared of what he might say? Like, what if he tells me he wants to keep seeing Rebecca? What if opening this up showed him he'd rather be with someone else? And he was just waiting for permission? Well, if he'd rather be with someone else, wouldn't you just want him to be with somebody else?

you don't want to be with somebody that wants to be with somebody else. Oh, gosh, you're right. I know you're right. It's just hard to hear it said out loud like that. We've been together since I was 23, Luke. Yeah, well, I mean, even having that conversation that you had with him to open up the marriage shows a level of intimacy that's pretty deep. So you guys can have a deep conversation, and it might go better than you expect. It might not. It might go exactly how you expect.

You know, he decides that he wants to be with some younger woman for a while and do that for a while. That's okay, too. And maybe that's the end of your relationship, and it's time to move on. But you have to have the conversation to figure that out. You know what the worst part is? When I was sitting in that parking lot in Deming, I wasn't even thinking about the guy I was supposed to meet. I was thinking about my husband, wondering if he was nervous before his first date with Rebecca. If he sat in the parking lot, too. And then I realized,

he probably didn't. He probably just walked right in. Well, why don't you ask him about it? I never thought to just ask him that. That's such a simple thing. I've been sitting here making up stories in my head about what he must be feeling, what he must be thinking. And I haven't just asked him any of it. We used to talk about everything, Luke. When did I stop just asking him things? I don't know, but you might find when you talk to him, he feels the same way you do. Maybe he's just doing it because he thinks you want him to, or because he thinks it'll make him more desirable for

It works both ways. But the key is communication, so you're going to have to talk about what's going on. And see where that goes, because you don't know. You've opened up a Pandora's box here, and now you've got to do the hard part, which is communicating. Oh, gosh, what if we're both just doing this because we think the other one wants it? That would be so stupid. That would be the most us thing ever, actually. We spent three months arguing about what color to paint the case.

kitchen because neither of us wanted to just say what we actually wanted. You're right. Well, it sounds like you've got the courage to open up your marriage, so you have the courage to have a conversation with your husband. And just talk about how you're feeling, what you're looking for, what your goals are, reassess your relationship, and see if you still want to be together. You're right. I'm going to text him right now and ask him to come home tomorrow so we can talk. Not about Rebecca or the open marriage thing, just about us, about what we actually want.

There you go. I think that's the responsible adult way to handle it, and I hope it works out for you. Thank you, Luke. I really mean that. I've been sitting here in this office for over an hour, just spinning my wheels, and talking to you help me see what I need to do. I appreciate you taking my call. You are very welcome, Tanya, and I wish you the best of luck with your husband. I hope that works out the way you both wanted to. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we've got to take a small break, and here are some words from our sponsor.

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Luke, hey, thanks for taking the call. So my wife just stormed out of here about half an hour ago, because she wants to pull our kids out of public school and homeschool them, and I am completely against it. She's got all these curriculum catalogs spread out on the kitchen table. Keep sending me videos about critical thinking skills and individualized learning. But our daughter Maya just started making real friends this year in eighth grade. Okay, so have you had the conversation with your wife that you don't want to do this or that you're not ready to do this?

Oh, yeah, we have had this conversation multiple times. This is our second fight about it just this week. I have told her directly, I said, Sharon, Maya is finally coming out of her shell. Well, I've never had children, so I've never had to go through that back and forth with somebody about how we're going to raise them. So I can't give you the greatest advice here, but I would say if you can't come to an agreement amongst yourselves, flip a coin. A coin flip?

This is not a decision you flip a coin on. I have actually done the research here. I have read three peer-reviewed studies in the last week about homeschooled kids and college readiness. Yeah, well, a lot of kids don't go to college, and it sounds like she's done her research, too. So there's opposing views here. A lot of people, everybody I've known that's been homeschooled swears by it. So I don't know that the public school has a very good track record. Okay, but those studies show that homeschooled kids have real gaps in socialization.

And that is exactly what I am worried about with Maya. She has spent years being the quiet kid who ate lunch alone. And this year, she finally has a group of friends. She is going to sleepovers. She is texting with kids from her class. You yank her out now and put her back in the house all day with just her mom and her little brother. That progress disappears. Well, not necessarily. There's still ways to get her socialization throughout the day and the week. I mean, she can still be in different clubs and have her friends and go to the live.

and things. It's not just locking her in the house all day. Socialization is part of the homeschooling. Yeah, Sharon says the exact same thing. She talks about homeschool co-ops and field trips and whatever, but that is not the same as being in class with the same 30 kids every single day. Those co-op things meet what, once a week? Twice a week maybe? Maya has finally figured out how to navigate the social world at Silver Consolidated. Yeah, well, I mean, that's a small school, right? You're talking about Silver.

New Mexico? Silver Consolidated. Yeah. We're in Byard, actually, just outside Silver City. It is a small school, which is part of why this is working for her. She knows these kids. Yeah, well, if you live just outside of Silver City, she's still going to know those kids. They're still in her town. I mean, she can still go to events with them and go to the movies and stuff and do kid things. So I don't really see the problem. Like, if you were in New York City public,

school where she had 500 classmates, that would be a different experience. But homeschool versus a small Silver City Consolidated School, I don't think it's going to be that much different. I mean, and you don't know what's going to happen in the future. Imagine it was just a few years ago and COVID happened. And then all the classes were over Zoom meetings for years. Like, what did that do to kids' socialization? They still made it. They still were able to communicate with their friends and learn socialization.

think. I don't really know. Don't take any of my advice on this one. I don't know what I'm talking about, but just from my perspective, I don't think there's that big of a difference between homeschooling and regular schooling. And if I were doing it, I would push for homeschooling. If I could, if I had the time to do that, because I really don't believe in the school system at all. Okay, but here's what you're missing. Maya is not just any kid. She has struggled with this her

life. We are talking about a girl who used to fake being sick to avoid school because she was so anxious about talking to other kids. Well, yeah, and going to school sucks. So, you know, that's showing you she's been in school and she was still shy. Now she's getting a little older and she's made some friends, but it's a different situation now. It's not so much about the school as her age. That is exactly what Sharon says, and I do not buy it. Yes, she is. She is. She is

getting older, but the reason she finally made friends this year is because her English teacher put her in a group project with three other girls, and they clicked. That does not happen sitting at the kitchen table with workbooks. That also really doesn't happen that often in the workplace. I mean, think about today's modern workplace. You are working on those projects remotely with people across, you know, Zoom meetings and stuff. The school experience is pretty far from reality.

I work with my hands. I fix things. I am in my workshop right now looking at circuit boards and actual tools. The real world for me is not Zoom meetings. It is dealing with people face to face. And that is what Maya needs to learn. She needs to learn how to handle herself when someone is rude to her in the hallway. Or when a teacher calls on her and she does not know the answer. Or when her friend group has drama. You cannot simulate that stuff at home. You can absolutely simulate that in the real world because that's around everywhere. She's going to have to learn how to deal with people face to face.

in business, in going to the bank and dealing with a difficult employee, shopping at Walmart. Like, she's going to have to deal with those things in school or anywhere else in the world because that's just dealing with other people. She doesn't need to be in school to do that. She could be literally anywhere in society. But she is 13 years old. She is not going to the bank by herself or dealing with difficult Walmart employees. The only place she is at.

actually navigating peer relationships on her own, without me or Sharon standing there, is at school. That is where she is learning to handle conflict with people her own age, to read social cues, to figure out who to trust. Well, yeah, that's because that's the only place you're putting her. But if you tell her to leave at 8 o'clock and go outside and go hang out at a coffee shop, she's going to meet people there. If she goes to do the shopping on a Thursday, then she's going to meet people there. And yeah, she's 13, but 13 is a teenager.

She should be out and doing things with kids outside of school and home, right? I was. I'm sure you were out playing on the road with the other kids on the street. There was more to socialization than just what happened in the defined six hours of school or whatever. You are talking about Silver City, New Mexico. There is no coffee shop where teenagers just hang out. This is not some college town. And yeah, when I was a kid, we were outside all the time.

was different. Kids do not do that anymore. Yeah, because you don't let them. Kids would do that if you let them. If you encourage them to do it, they certainly would. And the Silver City is a college town, and there are coffee shops where kids are hanging out because I've been there. So I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, fine. Western New Mexico University is there, but Maya is not a college student. She is 13. And yes, maybe there are a couple coffee places, but the point is Sharon wants to pull her out right now,

of the school year, when she finally has this friend group. Yeah, and I'm on Sharon's side, so sorry, I don't agree with you. You're not going to get the answer for me that you're looking for. Well, hold on. You were just going to side with her without even hearing the full situation? Maya has anxiety. She has had it since she was little. She would not talk to other kids at birthday parties. She would hide behind Sharon at the grocery store. No, I'm going to side with her after having heard what you just said like four different times because you keep repeating it. I understand she has anxiety. Everybody has anxiety.

It is not just regular nervousness. She has been seeing a therapist for two years. And this year, eighth grade is the first time she has actually had friends who call her, who invite her to things. Okay, that's great. And they can keep inviting her to things and calling her if she's homeschooled. She's already made the friends, right? She's already got them. So I don't know what you're looking for for me. I don't have a different answer for you. I am pro homeschooling here. But it is not the same. You do not.

understand how fragile this is. These girls, they have their whole thing at school, they sit together at lunch, they pass notes in class. If Maya is suddenly not there every day, she becomes the weird homeschool kid. They are not going to keep including her. Hey, whatever you say, man, you obviously know all the answers, but I was there myself. I remember what it was like, and it was not that great. And I've been able to socialize outside of school just fine. And, you know, I've got anxiety too. Everybody does. It's not.

a rare situation. If she wants to make friends outside of school, she can do that because there's things that happen outside of school. So I don't know what to tell you. I'm for the homeschooling and I don't agree with you. So that's about the end of this call. Look, I am not saying homeschooling cannot work for some kids. I am saying Sharon is making this decision based on test scores and some YouTube videos about critical thinking. And she is not

to Maya. She keeps sending me these curriculum catalogs like that is the only thing that matters. I have read actual peer-reviewed studies about socialization outcomes, and the data is mixed at best. You had a bad experience in school. Fine, but that does not mean every kid needs to be pulled out. Yeah, and you read some papers. Fine, but that doesn't mean that every kid needs to be left in. I agree with your wife. If she wants to pull her out and do homeschooling, that's a better way to get

way to interface with the world. If you disagree, that's okay. Obviously, you've got a conflict there, but you're not going to get a different answer from me. That's what I'm saying. My answer is my answer. I support your wife and I support the homeschooling. If you don't like that, call somebody else. You know what? This is exactly what Sharon does. She has made up her mind and she will not even consider that maybe, just maybe, there is more than one right answer here. I am not some dinosaur who thinks

consolidated has problems. I know that. Okay, good for you. And then you got to work this out with your wife and come to some kind of consensus. But you're not going to get the validation you're looking for from me because I agree with her that homeschooling is a better option for Maya, for someone with anxiety, and for somebody that wants to do well in the future. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but you called me, this advice is worth what you paid for.

Fine. You are right. I called looking for someone to tell me I am not crazy for wanting to keep her in school, and you are telling me the same thing Sharon is. Maybe I am the one who is wrong here. I just keep thinking about Maya finally smiling when she comes home, finally having something to talk about at dinner besides whatever is on her tablet. Well, you won't know if she'll be smiling after homeschooling unless you try it. So give it a try for a year. If it doesn't work, put her back in the shitty school. A year. You are talking about a year like it is nothing.

This is eighth grade. If we pull her out now and it does not work. I don't care. Next. Okay. Now we've got Carla. Carla, welcome to the show. How can we help you today? You said Carla. It's Carla. Oh, okay. I said Carla, and it's Carla. All right. So I just got back from dinner with my coworkers and I paid $18 to watch someone get engaged who I trained six years ago.

and who still does not know how to properly fill out a backcountry permit. Well, that sounds like a waste of $18. Why did you spend $18 to watch somebody get engaged? The waiter added 25% to the check automatically, without asking, and my pasta was $12. Everyone just paid it. When I said I was only putting in $15, her fiancé said, guess we know who the cheap one is, loud enough for the waiter to hear. Good. That's a douchebag thing to do. So, all right.

You're out $18 and somebody got engaged. Good for them. Congratulations. What's the problem here? The problem is, I have been at Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument for six years. I am the senior ranger in my unit. I know that desert better than anyone else there. And this woman who I trained, who still calls me when a visitor asks about mountain lion safety because she cannot remember the protocol, just got a ring from a man who makes enough money that

$18 is nothing. Okay, what's your point? So she got married to somebody that's got money and you didn't, and you're mad because you're good at your job? What is your point? My point is, I spent my one day off this week driving my ex-boyfriend's YouTube equipment back to Tucson because he left it in my shed for eight months. And when I asked him to Venmo me gas money, he sent me a link to one of his videos about financial boundaries. That's pretty clever. You got to admit.

It was 43 miles one way. Yeah, we live in the desert. Everything is 43 miles. Forty-mile is nothing. So what is that? Fucking $6 in gas? I get it. You don't make a lot of money. You work at Oregon Pipe Cactus National Monument. You need more money in your life. So you're not going to make that as a park ranger at this tiny little park. You're going to have to change your career, probably, or do something on the side. Is that what you're calling about? Is you wish you had more money because you can't afford to go out to take?

to eat for somebody's engagement or to drive equipment 43 miles? I do not wish I had more money. I wish the people in my life would stop acting like my time does not cost anything. I work split shifts. I cover holidays. Last month, I worked 17 days straight because two people called in sick and I am the one. They call because I will say yes. And then Anthony makes a video about financial boundaries and puts it on the internet where 12 people watch it. What's like a to do with you? Anthony's making a video. Let him make a video.

He's not taking away your time to do that. He just, you know, wanted you to see what he made. He wanted you to be proud of him. There's nothing wrong with that. All I hear is you complaining about how your life is hard, and it's not. I am not complaining that my life is hard. I am saying that I drove 86 miles round trip on my day off to return equipment that was not mine and he could not be bothered to give me gas money. That is not about pride. What is it about? You did it. You didn't have to do it. You could have thrown it out.

You could have just said no. You don't have to go in every time they call you. You can stand up for yourself and say, no, my time is worth something to me, and I want to do something else today. What is your problem? Why are you calling me? Because I sat in that bathroom tonight and realized I have been saying yes to everyone for six years, and the only thing it got me was a coworker who does not know Mountain Lion protocol telling me, I am cheap in front of a waiter. Well, you were cheap.

And that was correct. And the waiter knew it because it's obvious. And that's all right. If you don't have the money to pay for that kind of stuff, that's understandable. A lot of people don't make a lot of money. But it seems like you're blaming everybody else for your lack of funds here. You have agency. You can say, no, I don't want to do that. You can say, no, I don't have the money for that. Or I don't want to spend my time doing that. Or no, I can't come into work today because I got something else going on.

This is all up to you. There's no question here. There's no advice I can give you other than say no. The question is, how do you say no to people without them deciding you are the problem? Because every time I have said no in the past year, someone has made it very clear that I am being difficult. My supervisor asked me to switch my weekend off in January so she could go to her daughter's volleyball tournament. And when I said I already had plans, she said it must be nice to have that kind of flexibility.

Anthony told me I was being controlling when I asked him to get his equipment out of my shed. My co-worker tonight said I was making her engagement about me when I said I could not afford $18 for pasta. Well, that's an easy one. You just don't listen to him. So if your supervisor says some offhand comment about the flexibility of your hours, you say, yeah, it is kind of nice. I like it very much. And if he tells you you're being controlling because you don't want to return his stuff, you say, yeah.

Yeah, I am. And if your coworker here says you're being difficult because you can't afford the $18 for pasta, you say tough. Yeah, I don't want to go. Good luck with your fucking wedding. That's all. And then that has no bearing on your life in any way. You are right. That should have no bearing on my life. But I work with these people in a station the size of a one-bedroom apartment and my supervisor writes my performance reviews.

Anthony is the only person I know in Tucson who will drive out here when the loneliness gets bad enough that I start thinking about quitting. Well, you sound like a drag, and you're whining, and you're not taking accountability for your own actions. And it's very boring. It's very boring to me and to our listeners at home. So unless you have something to say, then we're going to move on to the next caller, okay? The thing I have to say is that I have been at this job longer than any of my job.

in my unit and I am good at it. And I thought that would mean something, but it turns out the only thing that means something is whether people like you and I do not know how to make people like me when I keep saying no. It doesn't have anything to do with you saying no. It's not why people don't like you, Carla. People don't like you because you're not a likable person. Next up, we've got Cliff. Cliff, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life today? Do you have a real problem that I can give you real advice about?

Hey, Luke? Yeah? I caught my tax client's wife cheating on him in the Albertson's parking garage tonight, and I cannot stop laughing about it, even though I probably should not have seen what I saw, so I do taxes. Right? Been doing Ray's returns for maybe eight years now. Nice guy, owns a plumbing supply company, always complaining about his wife Denise at poker. She shows up to our potlucks and complains right back about him. Okay, so why are you laughing about his wife cheating on him? Because it was with Ray. They were cheating on each other with each other, Luke. I am standing there in the parking garage

like 9.30 because I forgot my briefcase in my car. And there is Demise, pushed up against a Honda Civic, with some guy, and I'm about to turn around and pretend I did not see anything. And then the guy turns his head and is his ray. I don't understand. How is that cheating? That is exactly what I've been trying to figure out for the last two hours. They are married to each other. They live together. All right. So they had a little outside extracurricular activity. I don't see how that's cheating on either

they're married? What are you talking about? You're not making any sense. No, I know they are married. That is what makes this so insane. These two spend every social gathering for the last three years, telling anyone who will listen how much they cannot stand each other. Ray sits at poker and goes on about how Denise nags him about every little thing, how she hates his hobbies, how they have not had a real conversation in months. Denise shows up to potlucks and tells my wife that Ray is emotionally unavailable, and they are basically roommates at this point. Well, good for them. It sounds like they found a way to inject.

a little something into their relationship and maybe restart the flame or whatever it is they say. I think that's great. Good for them. But Luke, they are lying to everybody. That is the part that is making me crazy. I have sat through hours of Ray complaining about his dead bedroom. Hours. Yeah, well, they weren't in the bedroom, were they? No. They were in a parking garage acting like teenagers who just discovered each other. And the whole time they had been performing this miserable marriage routine for everyone we know.

I mean, we have all been taking sides. People avoid inviting them to the same things because the tension is supposed to be so bad. My wife spent 45 minutes on the phone with Denise two weeks ago talking her through whether she should leave him. Yeah, well, maybe it got to a point where they had to do something, and they decided that instead of hating each other for the rest of their lives or breaking up, they were going to try and reignite the passion by doing some public play. Public play? They do not even know I saw them.

This was some plan to fix things. Why are they still doing the whole song and dance? Ray called me yesterday to cancel poker night because he said Denise was giving him grief about spending too much time with the guys. Yeah, well, maybe they're lying about it, maybe they're embellishing how much they don't like each other, or maybe they actually don't like each other, but people still like to fuck, you know? So it could have just got long enough for each of them that they needed to bone, and they found a place to do it, and you happen to see. That is the most depressing thing I have ever heard. What kind of marriage is a

is that. You hate each other enough to complain about it to everyone you know, but not enough to actually do anything about it. So you just meet up in parking garages every once in a while? I don't know. It's not on me to judge their marriage, but that sounds better than not meeting up in parking garages at all. People do have needs, and it seems like they're getting them from each other, which is the point. And if they do that in an unconventional way, who cares? That's their life. That's their marriage. If they're a pain in the ass to you and your friends, though,

to them about it and say, hey, you guys need to cut the shit because we're sick of listening to it. I cannot talk to them about it without admitting I saw them, and then I am the crink with a telescope who watches people in parking garages. Which is not what happened. I was packing up my equipment and I looked down and there they were under a light post going at it. Yeah, well if they were going at it in a public parking garage, they wanted to be seen. That was the point of the exercise was that they could be caught. That's what made it exciting for them. You must understand this.

You think they wanted someone to see them? In downtown Albuquerque at 1030 on a Tuesday night in an empty parking garage. No, I don't think they wanted somebody to see them. They wanted to be in a place where they might be seen. There's a difference. Okay, fine. But that still does not solve my problem, which is that I have to sit across from these people at every gathering for the rest of my life, knowing what I know, while they keep performing this whole charade. Do I just pretend I believe it? Do I keep listening to Ray complain about how she never wants to do anything spontaneous anymore?

How spontaneous she can be? No. You're just, the next time he says something like that, let him know that you saw them and that he's lying and that he's busted. And maybe there's more to the story than you're aware of, and maybe there's not. But either way, you don't have to hide that. I wouldn't go and tell everybody else. I wouldn't tell it to all your friends at the poker table. But if you're with Ray and Ray is talking some shit that is obviously not true, then call him out on it. Yeah.

So I just say what, Ray, I saw you and Denise screwing against a Honda Civic last Tuesday. Cut the crap? That is going to go over real well. He's going to lose his mind. Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fun. It'll be interesting. Then you'll have a good reason to laugh. You are out of your mind. This is terrible advice. Now I am going to have Ray pissed off at me for spying on him. Denise pissed off at me for embarrassing her and everyone else wondering why I was downtown with a telescope at 10. 10.30 on a Tuesday. No, you weren't spying on him. They were in a public place.

They were in a public place because they were doing some sort of public play. Like, they wanted the thrill of potentially being caught by somebody, and you happen to see them. Unless you actually were spying on them, then that's a different story. If you were spying on them, then you're a creep. And send us the pictures. We have a Discord. You can check that out. I was not spying on them. I was packing up my telescope after looking at the moon for two hours. I looked down to make sure I was not leaving anything on the ground, and there they were, under the only working light in that whole section.

It was completely accidental. And no, I did not take pictures. Well, that was a missed opportunity then, sir. But that's my advice for you is the next time he starts bitching about his wife in front of you, let him know that you know. And tell him he's caught in the lie and to cut the shit. And, you know, maybe you learn more about that story and there's, I'm sure there's more to it. But from the information that you've given me, eh, who cares? All right. So I am just supposed to blow up the entire dynamic at the next poker night,

funny. That is what I am hearing. Because once I say something to Ray, this is not staying between us. He is going to tell Denise I saw them. She is going to freak out. And then I am the guy who ruined everything by not minding my own business. And I still have to see these people every week. Well, you did mind your own business. I mean, all you're doing is calling on him for lying the next time he lies. I'm not saying to blow up your poker game or take it to the poker table. I'm saying when you're alone with Ray and he bitches about his wife, tell him to cut the shit because you caught them. That's all. That's all.

And yeah, I do think it would be funny. And if you don't want to do this, if you don't want to take this advice, that's fine. That's fine by me. But you're the one that called and asked for it. So, I mean, there's that. You know what? You are right. I did call and ask for it. And now I am sitting here realizing I called a radio show at midnight to complain about my friends having sex in a parking garage, like I am some kind of pervert, which is exactly what Ray is going to call me when I bring this up. This whole thing is ridiculous.

conversation goes on, the more you actually sound like a pervert, because you're protesting being a pervert an awful lot. And if it went down the way that you said it went down where you just happened to see them because they were there in public under the light, then no, you're not a pervert. You just happen to see something. But you seem really, really nervous about looking like a pervert. So I'm starting to question whether or not what you're telling me is the truth. Oh, come on. I am nervous because I know how this is going to sound no matter how I explain it.

I was downtown with a telescope late at night, and I saw two people I know going at it. That sounds bad. It sounds like I was looking for something. I don't think it does. I think it sounds like they were looking to be found. Maybe you are right about that. I have known Ray for eight years, and the man complains about Denise constantly. Every single time we get together, it is something new. She does not appreciate him. She nags him about money. She wants him to be someone he is not. And those things are all probably true, but that doesn't mean they don't want to fuck.

And honestly, that is the part that has been bothering me since I got home. They have this whole routine down where they act like they cannot stand each other in front of everyone, and meanwhile, they are sneaking off to parking garages. What is the point of all that? I don't know, but I can't tell what the point of this call is either, so we're going to go to a break from our sponsors here, and we'll be back shortly. Look, I'm not a financial advisor. I'm a guy with a microphone and a dog, but the folks at

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Crypto no. Fortune favors the bold, but it does not return their calls. Okay, thanks to Crypto No for the sponsorship there. We couldn't do the show without you. Crypto No. That's what I say. Next up, we've got Leon. Leon, welcome to the show. What's happening in your life tonight, sir? How can we help? Hey, Luke. Thanks for taking. Thanks for taking.

my call. So I found my wife's pills today. She's been stockpiling her oxy, and I am pretty sure I know what she's planning to do with them when things get bad enough. And I cannot figure out if I should say something or just let her have that choice. Okay, well, that's a tough one. What is it, what is going to get bad enough? I mean, what situation is she in where she would be thinking about that? She has got stage four pancreatic cancer. They gave her maybe six months back in January.

and she's about halfway through chemo right now. The pain is manageable now. But her oncologist already told us it is going to get a lot worse before the end. Linda is the kind of person who has always been in control of everything. I mean, she planned our wedding down to the minute she runs the finances. She even picks what I wear to church. And I think the idea of being bedridden and helpless at the end just terrifies her more than dying does. Yeah, I can understand that. And I can understand that.

in why it's a difficult situation for you to be in. There's not a right answer there. It very much depends on your own personal values and beliefs. But I can tell you if it were me, I would want to have that option. So maybe it's worth having the conversation with her, letting her know that you know what she's doing, what she's planning on, and asking her if she wants you to get involved or not. That is the thing, though. I do not know if I can have to have her.

that conversation without falling apart. We've been married 36 years, and we have barely talked about her dying at all. Like, really talked about it. We mention appointments. We talk about side effects from the chemo, but we do not say the actual words. And if I bring up the pills, then we have to say it out loud. We have to talk about her last day and whether I am going to be there and what that looks like. Yeah, and I think that you're going to have to have that conversation and it's okay if you've followed.

apart. I mean, that's perfectly acceptable. Of course you're going to fall apart. But you should have the conversation, regardless. Even if the pills weren't part of the equation, you should still have the conversation and talk about what that day should look like because that day is coming and you both know it's coming. So avoiding the conversation is not going to be helpful. And I think if you don't have that conversation, when the day does come, you will wish that you had. You are right. I know you are right. I know you are right.

I have been thinking about it like I am protecting her by not bringing it up, but really, I am just protecting myself from having to face it. I heard Chester earlier talking about his girlfriend wanting to get married, and I kept thinking, man, 36 years goes by so fast. Yeah, and that's very sad, and I'm sorry that's happening to you both. And it sounds like it's not going to be a very fun ride for her. And it's not going to be a fun ride for you either, but the ride goes.

to the same place either way. So you need to sit down and talk about her wishes and what she wants the rest of her life to look like and how you guys can enjoy her final days the best, I suppose. You also need to know what her wishes are after her death. Does she have a will and stuff like that? Do you know if she wants to be buried or cremated or any sort of religious

or anything like that? That's all stuff that you need to iron out now. We have got the will done and she wants to be cremated. She already picked the urn. It is this turquoise ceramic thing she found online that matches our bedroom. That is so Linda, you know, making sure the urn coordinates. But the other stuff, the actual dying part, we have not touched. I do not know if she wants hospice at home or in a facility. I do not know if she wants hospice at home or in a facility. I do not know if she wants

me holding her hand or she would rather go peacefully in her sleep without me watching. Well, I think while she's still coherent and still in a position to answer those questions, you guys should have that conversation because it may be one of the most important conversations you ever have. And you don't want to be confused or you don't want to not know what to do when the time comes. If you work all that out now, while she can respond to you, you'll be in a much better

get, it'll be a much smoother experience, I think. Yeah, I am going to do it. I am going to talk to her this weekend. I just needed somebody to tell me I was not crazy for thinking we should actually say this stuff out loud. No, you're not crazy for that. But here's my question for you. If you've seen her stockpile in her Oxy and you know what she's going to do with that, how do you feel about that? Would you be all right? Would you be? Would you be, you'd

able to accept if that's how she wants to handle the situation? Or would that affect you ongoing for the rest of your life? That is the part that keeps me up at night. I mean, legally, I know I could get in trouble if I am there when she does it. But morally, I do not think I could live with myself if I was not there. If she takes those pills and I am at work or out getting groceries and she dies alone in our bed, I would never forgive myself for that.

But if I am there, if I hold her hand while she does it, am I helping her kill herself? Is that something I can carry for the rest of my life? Well, I can't answer that for you because I've never been through that. But from my perspective, just putting myself in her shoes, I'd want to be able to make that choice. And also let you off the hook for whatever I chose. So when you talk to her, ask, ask her if she wants you to be there.

she might want to, like a dog, go lay under a bridge and die alone. People have their wishes. People want to do it their way. And it can't be your way because it's not your death. I wouldn't worry about the legal ramifications. I mean, as long as you're not shoving them down her throat, if she takes the pills, she takes the pills. And you can just, you know, any lawyer would be able to argue that you were in another room. You didn't know what was happening.

So don't worry about the legal ramification so much as long as you're not the one administering the medications. That makes sense. And you're right. It has to be her choice. Her way. I have been so wrapped up in what I think I should do or what I could handle that I've not really thought about what she actually wants. Maybe she does want to be alone. Maybe she wants me there. Yeah, you can't know unless you have that conversation with her and you should do that soon because other.

Otherwise, you're not going to have an opportunity. She's going to make that choice for you. And you're not going to know how to react. And you'll always wonder if you should have done something. So I would say have that conversation tonight. You know, do that today. Get it out of the way and then make yourself a plan and get yourself at peace with that plan. You're right. I am going to go home tonight and talk to her. Not this weekend. Tonight. I have been putting this off for months now. And she deserves better.

than me being too scared to ask her what she wants. All right there, Leon. Well, I wish you guys the best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through that. And I hope it all works out in the most painless way possible for both of you. And that, you know, you're able to carry on afterwards and just do this in the most respectful way possible. Next up on our call line, we've got Heather. Heather, welcome to the show. What's going on? Luke, I don't know.

I just watched some jackass at my nephew's little league game shove a 16-year-old umpire over a called third strike. And when I told him to back the hell off, he got in my face screaming about how I was destroying his kid's future. This was a game for eight-year-olds. Eight. And the worst part? Not one other parent said a damn word. And how did you respond to the situation? I got right back in his face and told him if he touched that kid again, I was calling the cups, which made him lose it even more. Started yelling about how people like me are what's wrong with youth sports, how everyone's too soft now,

how his son needs to learn that life isn't fair and someone's got to fight for him. Meanwhile, his kid is standing there crying, absolutely mortified. The umpire's shaking, my nephew's confused, and I'm standing there thinking I'm about to get into an actual fist fight in a Little League parking lot. At 43 years old. Yeah, I mean, it's stories like that that don't make me sad. I don't have kids and I don't have to deal with that stuff. But it sounds like those little kids sports games get pretty intense and it's not about the kids at all. It's about the fathers generally.

living vicariously through their eight-year-old kids thinking that they're going to be giant sports stars someday. But they're just a little sniveling idiots running around in circles. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. And you know what really gets me? This guy kept saying, my son's future, my son's future. Like some college scout was hiding in the bleachers at a Tuesday afternoon game in Demon, watching third graders, his kid can barely catch a pop fly. Yeah, it's pretty silly. I agree with you. And it's unacceptable behavior from

from lots of usually the dads at those things. And I'm glad that I don't have to go. Well, here's the thing, though, Luke. I've been sitting here at my salon for three hours doing inventory because I can't stop thinking about it. And it's not just about that dad being a psycho. It's that nobody else said anything. There were maybe 20 parents there. And they all just stood there looking at their phones or pretending to be real interested in the concession stand. Like if they don't acknowledge it, it didn't happen. Yeah, well, what would you have hoped that they did?

Some of them probably agreed with the dad. Some of them agreed with you. What would your ideal outcome have been? I wanted somebody, anybody, to back me up. Even just one person to say, hey man, that's not okay. Because when I'm standing there alone, telling this guy off, I look like the crazy one. I look like I'm the problem. And you know what happened after? Two different moms came up to me later after he left and whispered, thank you for saying something that was so brave. Brave? Brave? Yeah, you didn't look like.

the crazy one. I bet nobody there thought you looked like the crazy one. They all knew that he was being a douchebag and were probably proud of you for standing up for it, but they're all pussies and they don't want to get in trouble with the school or end up in the paper or get their kids in trouble. People are weak. That's what pisses me off, though. Everyone's so worried about making waves, about being that parent, that they'll watch a grown man assault a teenager and just let it happen. Yeah.

It's a sad state of affairs, for sure. I agree with you. But here's what I can't stop thinking about. That dad's kid? He's in my nephew's class. Yeah. And is the dad's kid a good kid? Is he a friend of your nephew? I don't know. That's the thing. I've never actually talked to the kid. But I see him at every game now, and all I can think is, that's the psycho's son. And that's not fair to him, right? Like, it's not his fault. His dad's an asshole. But I'm sitting here wondering if I should say something to my sister about not letting them hang out.

out, and that feels wrong. But also, what if that kid grows up exactly like his father? No, I doubt that very much. That kid's life probably sucks at home. That guy is almost certainly an asshole all the time. I would guess, I don't know the guy. I never met him, but I would guess he's the type that's punching walls and probably drinking heavy and just not being a great father figure. I could be wrong about that. That's a gross generalization, but I mean, that's the picture that behavior paints.

would feel sympathy for the kid and maybe try and be more involved in his life so that you can be a positive influence and let him know that not all adults act like that. You know what? You're right. I didn't even think about it that way. I've been so focused on being mad at the dad that I didn't consider what that kid's dealing with. Yeah, that kid is probably horribly embarrassed. He doesn't want to be the center of attention in that way. Nobody does. So he was

bag father. God, you're absolutely right. I didn't even look at the kid after it happened. I was so focused on his dad and then on whether anyone was going to back me up, that kid probably wanted to disappear into the ground. Yep. That's understandable. So, I mean, look at the kid with sympathy and try to be a good role model for him and don't let the sins of the father affect the youth of America or whatever the fucking saying is. Thanks for the call. I'm going to end up,

the show here. And do you have anything else you'd like to add before we sign off for the evening? Yeah, just one thing. To anyone listening who was at that game today and saw what happened and didn't say anything, you're part of the problem. That's right, Heather. I agree with her. You guys are the douchebags. You're the reason that everything sucks now. And you should be ashamed of yourselves. Good night.

Thank you.