LUKE: All right, welcome back to the show. My name is Luke. I'm your host
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for Luke at the Roost. This is the radio show where we take callers and
give them the best advice that we can. If you'd like to call into the
show, the number is 208-439-5853. That's 208-439 Luke. Also, new just yesterday. If you can't
get to a phone and you'd like to participate in the show, you can send
us an email. The address is submissions at Lukeat the roost.com. Submissions at Luke at
theroost.com. So you can send us a question or a story or anything you want.
And if it's funny enough, I might read it on the air in the next
show. And if it's not me, maybe I'll have one of my robot friends read
it for me because I'm lazy. All right. So today is Monday, February 16th. It's
about 11.30 p.m. And our phones are lighting up like they always do at this
time of night. the show, we have Hector. Hector, welcome to the show. Thanks for
calling in. How are you doing out there tonight?
HECTOR: Hey, Luke. Doing all right, man. Doing all right. Appreciate you taking the call.
So listen. I got myself into a situation here, and I don't know whether to
laugh or start updating my resume.
LUKE: All right, Hector. What did you do?
HECTOR: So I've been flying crop dusters out of Yuma for eight years now, right?
Good job. Decent money? I know what I'm doing up there. This afternoon, my boss
pulls me aside. All smiles tells me I landed this huge contract in Mexico City.
Three weeks coordinated with agricultural officials. Big deal for the company.
LUKE: Is that something you don't want to do? Why you bummed out about that?
That sounds great.
HECTOR: No, no, that's the thing. It should be great, right? This is a promotion,
basically. More money, more responsibility. Looks amazing on paper. Here's the problem, Luke. hired me
eight years ago partly because my last name is Gonzales and my resume says fluent
Spanish I speak about as much Spanish as you probably do maybe less
LUKE: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret I think they knew they
probably had strong suspicions at the time they hired you that you did not speak
Spanish but that's okay because nowadays you don't have to you can get the Apple
AirPods and they'll do the live translation for you right in your ear
HECTOR: Oh man, I didn't even think about that. Does that actually work, though? Like
in a real professional setting? Because I'm picturing myself in some meeting with Mexican agriculture
officials, trying to negotiate pesticide schedules, while I'm sitting there with AirPods and like I'm
listening to a podcast.
LUKE: You know, I went into Mexico last year at some point. I went to
Agua Brietta. And when I got there, I was trying to buy cigarettes from the
duty-free shop on the United States side of the border. So they don't just give
you the cigarettes. You buy the cigarettes in the United States, and then you have
to cross the border, and some guy is supposed to bring you the cigarettes, and
then you have to import them back into the United States. So I went out
there, and I was in Mexico, and I couldn't find the guy with the cigarettes.
So I'm asking all around, and there's a bunch of, like, their version of Border
Patrol at the border, and they didn't speak any English or pretended not to speak
any English, and they pulled out their phone, and they just did the whole back-and-forth
transcription, like it was nothing. Like, they do that all the time. So I think
it's pretty common. I wouldn't worry too much about it. But you can always start
studying. I mean, it's not like you can't learn Spanish.
HECTOR: Yeah, I mean, three weeks, though. I've been downloading Duolingo on and off for
like two years, and I still can't get past the boy eats an apple. And
here's the other thing that's dealing at me. I've been cashing paychecks for eight years
with that my resume like they never needed me to speak Spanish before so it
never mattered but now it does and I feel like a fraud
LUKE: well you are a fraud you lied on your resume and you got away
with it for eight years so congratulations for that but it sounds like it's probably
pretty difficult to find somebody qualified to fly crop dusting plane that they trust in
another country and they trust you so you just got to do the best you
can and try to work through the Spanish you know Three weeks, that's quick, but
you can do it. I mean, dual lingo is probably not the right way, but
there's lots of other ways to learn language, and if you really need to, if
you really have to, you could get at least a little bit of what you
need. It shouldn't take you long to ramp up.
HECTOR: You're right, you're right. I mean, I've been hearing Spanish on the radio stations
down here for years. I should at least have some baseline. And honestly, the flying
part I can do in my sleep, what's got me twisted up.
LUKE: Just throw yourself on a Selena record, get some bitty bitty bum bomb going,
and you're gonna be fine. Amherst yourself in Spanish, and you will pick it up
faster than you think, because you have to.
HECTOR: Okay, Selina, I can actually handle. My mom used to play that stuff all
the time when I was a kid.
LUKE: You can't handle Selena. Wait, does that make it worse, that I didn't pick
up Spanish?
HECTOR: She's probably going to lose it when I tell her about this. She's been
asking me for years why I don't speak it and I always just shrugged it
off.
LUKE: Well, your name is Hector Gonzales, so I mean I would expect at this
point in your life you probably would have picked up a little bit here and
there.
HECTOR: That's what kills me, Luke. Everyone just assumes. I walk into a place, they
see the name tag, and half the time someone starts talking to me in Spanish,
and I just stand there like a deer in headlights. I've gotten really good at
the apologetic smile and the sorry I don't speak it. But my dad's of the
family, they all came over generations ago. By the time it got to me, it
was just gone.
LUKE: Hey, well, congratulations on the new job. Do the best you can. And if
they have to send you back to the States to do your old job again,
then so be it. And if they fire you for lying on your resume, then
get another job. There's probably plenty of places you can commercially fly a plane.
HECTOR: Yeah, you know what? You're right. Worst case scenario, I'm back flying over lettuce
fields and Yuma, which honestly isn't the worst thing in the world. I do love
that job.
LUKE: Well, good luck to you and congratulations again. Thanks for calling in, Hector, and
give us a call back if anything goes wrong or you meet a crazy cartel
out there and you've got a story about redemption. Next up on the line we
have Marlene. Marlene, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life tonight? How
can we help?
MARLENE: Hey, Luke. Yeah. So, My ex-wife's new husband just ordered $12,000 worth of furniture
for me, and I don't know if he knows it's me or not, and I'm
losing my mind a little bit. Sorry, that came out fast. But yeah, that's what's
happening right now.
LUKE: Well, you know, all the places in the world you could buy furniture from,
if he's buying it from you, then there's a good chance he has an idea
of who you are. Right?
MARLENE: That's what I keep thinking. the company's called Desert Reclaim and my name's all
over the website. But then I'm like, maybe he just Googled Rustic Dining Tables, New
Mexico. And I came up and he has no clue. He's this tech guy from
Scottsdale, you know?
LUKE: Yeah, well, I mean, you got to think about how internet search works and
cookies and stuff like that. So there's probably a chance that she was looking at
your Facebook profile and somewhere you're linked to your business profile on LinkedIn or something
like that. And then that's a chance that's transferring to his phone, so when he
does a Google search, it's looking at all that data it's collected on you, and
saying he's most likely to buy his chairs from this woman.
MARLENE: Oh, God, I didn't even think about that. So, like, Rachel's been looking at
my stuff and it's bleeding over into his search results. That's, actually, that makes me
feel weird in a whole different way.
LUKE: Like, has she been checking up on me? Well, I don't know. I'm just
saying that's one possibility. That is how search works nowadays. So there's a likelihood that
that could have happened. And not necessarily like Googling you in the middle of the
night, but there could be documents on our computer that are getting fed into the
cloud for some PDF transcription service. Like, you don't know. All that you know is
the data is out there and you're linked to him now in a not a
cryptographic way, but in a digital way. And that link is obviously working.
MARLENE: Yeah. No, you're right. I mean, we were married for six years. probably all
kinds of digital trails still connecting us. But, okay, so whether he knows or not,
do I take the money?
LUKE: Yes! Luke, this is six months of my mortgage. This order would let me
actually breathe for the first time since I started this business.
MARLENE: But then I think about Rachel walking into one of those hotel lobbies and
seeing my tables, the ones I built with wood from that barn outside animas, and
I just...
LUKE: Not your problem. Take the money. Congratulations. That's a good hit. That's what we
call us in the business. So close that deal, take your cash, and enjoy the
win. And thank modern technology.
MARLENE: You really think so? Just take it and don't say anything? Because part of
me wants to email him and be like, Hey, just so you know, I used
to be married to your wife. Is that insane? That's insane, right?
LUKE: You are correct. That is insane. Yeah, don't do that. Take the money and
don't say a word. And who cares if she looks at York when she goes
to wherever it is, she goes where they put your furniture.
MARLENE: Okay. Yeah. You're right. I mean, she left me. She married him. I'm building
furniture in my garage at two in the morning. This is literally the one good
thing that's happened.
LUKE: Nah, she got to be with somebody she wants to be with. You get
to make maybe potentially the best work of your life. And you just got a
nice paycheck. So it sounds like there's lots of good things happening. And all around,
everything works out the way it's supposed to. And enjoy this small win.
MARLENE: Small win? Luke, this is 12 tables. This is the biggest order I've ever
had. But, okay. Yeah, I hear you. Take the money, build the tables, stop overthinking
it. It's just, man, it's been a year of sleeping in my truck, watching the
stars, trying to figure out what I'm doing. And now this lands in my lap
and it's connected to her. And I just...
LUKE: You're just freaking out. And you don't have to freak out. Do the job,
get the money and move on and enjoy it. Congratulations.
MARLENE: You know what? You're right. I'm going to do it. I'm going to build
the best damn tables they've ever seen, take their money, and maybe finally fix the
heater in my truck, so I don't have to freeze my ass off out there.
LUKE: Excellent. That sounds like a great plan. And another happy rooster. It's time to
hear from our sponsors. So in just a moment, we'll return.
I'm going to be straight with you. I don't know what this product does. The
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I understand maybe 11% of it. Apparently your DNS is exposed, which sounds medical. Your
queries are being logged by default, which sounds illegal. And Bunkhouse reroutes your lookups through
encrypted tunnels, which sounds like something a villain would say in a movie before the
building explodes. What I can't really tell you is this. I installed it. I pressed
one button and a little shield icon turned green. Green means good. I know that
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now private, which feels like progress, even though I don't fully understand progress from what?
Bunkhouse DNS. I don't know what it does, but the shield is green, and that's
enough for me.
Okay. Welcome back to the show. Just a quick plug. Don't forget, we have presents
out there on all the social media. So you can find us on the Facebook
and the Instagram and the YouTube's and the Apples and the Spotify's all around. If
you want to look at all the places you can find us, look at Lukeattheroast.com.
And with that out of the way, let's get back to the show. Rick, Rick,
thanks for calling in. What's going on, buddy?
RICK: Oh man, Luke. So yesterday morning, my daughter Claire, she's 12. She fell through
the on our stock tank trying to break it up for the horses, right? Full
face pallant into freezing water, and I'm watching this happen, and I'm about to lose
my mind. But she comes up and she's gasping, but she's not panicking, like it
all. And later she tells me, it felt like her body just...
LUKE: Her body just what?
RICK: Took over. That's exactly what she said. My body took over. Like she wasn't
even in control. Her heart slowed down, blood went to her core, and she just
knew what to do. So I'm sitting there after she goes to bed and I'm
looking this up. And Luke, it's called the mammalian diving reflex.
LUKE: Well, that's pretty helpful, I suppose. Uh, I, for if we like jump into
the ocean when it's cold, like, uh, why is it there?
RICK: Right, exactly. It's this ancient thing we all have, like seals and whales. Your
face hits cold water and boom, your body just flips this switch without asking permission.
Heart rate drops, blood vessels constrict, everything shut down except what keeps you alive.
LUKE: Well, that sounds like a very handy thing to have, especially if you're going
to fall into a trough of water when it's frozen.
RICK: Yeah, no. I mean, she's fine. She's totally fine. But Luke, here's the thing
that's messing with me. I've known this kid her whole life, right? Change to diapers,
taught her to ride, the whole deal.
LUKE: Okay. And what's the problem? It sounds like she's perfectly fine, and you learned
a new thing about biology and evolution.
RICK: The problem is, I watch her face in that water. And it was like,
I don't know her at all. Like there's this whole other operating system running underneath
that I have zero access to. She's got the same emergency programming as a seal,
Luke, a seal.
LUKE: I've been kissed by rose on the grave. Yeah, I guess that would be
startling. But wait a few more years until you see her get hammered. And then,
uh, see what you see in her face.
RICK: Oh, God. Don't even. No, but see, that's different. That's like choices and stupid
decisions. This wasn't a choice. This was her body making calls without her even knowing.
Like she's running software I didn't install and can't see the code for.
LUKE: Yeah, and it sounds like it's doing a better job than yours too, because
she acted superfluously and got herself out of that cold water before it was an
issue. So what's the problem here? Her natural biology was taken over and doing the
right thing.
RICK: The problem? Okay. You're right. She handled it better than I would have. But
Luke, she's 12. And I'm standing there on a Monday morning watching Evolution work through
my kid like she's just...
LUKE: Yeah, you watched Evolution the whole, every day of watching that kid grow up,
and all of you growing up and all your parents. So I'm not sure why
this is flipping your wig.
RICK: Because this wasn't her getting taller or losing teeth or whatever. This was watching
her go under and come back up with this look on her face like, Like
some part of her I've never met, just took the wheel. She told me later,
my body took over dad, and I can't stop thinking about what else is in
there that I don't know about.
LUKE: I've been kissed by Rose on the grave. Do you think seal is in
there?
RICK: What? No, I.! Luke, come on. I'm not saying she's literally a seal. I'm
saying she's got all this programming I didn't know about. Like, what else kicks in
that I'm not ready for? What other switch is flea when I'm not looking.
LUKE: I don't know, man. It sounds like you're going to have to read the
origin of species and do some research on the old Charlie D.
RICK: Okay, you're busting my balls here, but I did look it up after she
went to bed. The mammalian diving reflex. It's real.
LUKE: Heart rate drops. Blood goes to the vital organs, the whole thing. And she
described it exactly like that without knowing what it was called. That's what's freaking me
out. She's walking around with all these systems I can't see. And one day she's
going to be out there making decisions. and I won't even know what's running in
the background.
RICK: Yeah, that's true. That's how humans behave. Welcome to the world, sir. You don't
know how anybody is programmed entirely, and just the little bits that you've been around
for. So it's not to be shocking, but it sounds like you need to expand
your mind a little bit. Your kid is going to be their own person with
their own instincts and values and beliefs and skills. And most of them. them, not
all, most of them will have absolutely nothing to do with you.
LUKE: Yeah, yeah, I know that. I do, but this felt different. Watching her face
change in that water, watching something ancient, just click on.
RICK: Well, it sounds like everything worked out, and she's great, and you learned something,
and that's a win to me.
LUKE: So thanks for Colin. Give us a call back some other time. Gina, Gina,
thanks for Colin. How are you today?
GINA: Hey, Luke. I'm all right. So my brother and sister want to sell my
grandmother's house, and I've been breaking into it every Sunday for the last three months.
LUKE: Is your grandmother still in the house?
GINA: No. She died in November. I have a key, though, so I guess it's
not really breaking in. But they don't know I'm going there.
LUKE: Okay, why are you breaking into your dead grandma's house?
GINA: I don't know, man. I just, I drive down to Hachita every Sunday, let
myself in, and I sit in her chair by the window for exactly two hours.
Sometimes I'm on my phone. Sometimes I just watch the mountains. It's this floral armchair
she'd always sit in.
LUKE: Well, that's a nice thing, but if they're going to sell the house, you're
not going to be able to go there anymore. So that's a bummer. What are
you going to do after the house is gone?
GINA: That's the thing. I don't want them to sell it. My brother left me
three voicemails saying we need to list it by March. And my sister sent me
the Zillow estimate and I had to pull over on the highway because I couldn't
breathe. Like, I know how this sounds.
LUKE: Do you have the money to buy the house?
GINA: No. I work at a mortuary. I'm 21. I don't have that kind of
money. But I can't explain this to them without sounding crazy.
LUKE: Well, you're 21. You also don't have the bills yet that they have, and
the responsibilities financially that they have to account for. You don't have to pay the
taxes on that property and the upkeep and the maintenance. You're just going there and
hanging out, which is great. I mean, if you've got a free place to go
hang out, wonderful. But the rest of your family, doesn't feel that way about it.
It's a burden to them, and it's expensive, and they might not be able to
afford it either. So if they want to sell the house, then you should let
them.
GINA: I know all that. I get it. But she's still in there, Luke. And
I know the difference between a body and a person. I work with dead people
every day.
LUKE: Okay. Well, so if she's still in there, does it matter who owns her?
GINA: What do you mean does it matter who owns her? Some family from Phoenix
is going to buy it and go. that the whole thing and turn it into
an Airbnb or whatever.
LUKE: Yeah, and that sounds like an ideal situation for your dead grandma, because she's
going to be hanging out in the Airbnb, it's going to be all nice and
fixed up, and people are going to be partying in there, she's going to be
having a grand old time.
GINA: That's not funny.
LUKE: What do you mean it's not funny? Of course it is.
GINA: No, because, okay, you don't get it. Every Sunday I sit in her chair
by the window and I can feel her there. feel her. The way the light
hits the mountains at a certain time, that's what she looked at every day for
40 years. Her handwriting is still on the grocery list on the fridge. There's a
water stain on the ceiling from when the swap cooler leaked in 2019. And she
never fixed it because she said it looked like a bird.
LUKE: Yeah, it sounds like she was a person and she is not anymore. And
her house is no longer belongs to her and you're in it hanging out. And
the family needs to sell that house, whether you want to be there or not.
Like, you can't just force them to keep this house. You can't do it. It's
not going to work. So you're going to have to come to terms with reality.
GINA: I know I can't force them. That's why I'm calling you instead of just,
I don't know what I thought you were going to say.
LUKE: Well, what I'm going to say is it makes sense that you're grieving for
your grandmother. And her presence is obviously. going to be in the place where she
lived her whole life. That makes perfect sense. That happens to everybody. I'm going to
tell you that you can take those memories of your grandma somewhere else, and you're
going to have to. So it's okay to grieve. It's okay to miss her, but
she's not in the walls. She's not in the stain on the ceiling. She will
follow you for your life in your mind, in your memories, and keep those good,
you know? And if you really, if you really, if you really feel that strongly
about it? Do what you have to do to raise the money to buy the
house. Like it's an after-TV special, and there's some creepy old corporation that's trying to
buy it and turn it into an oil drill.
GINA: I make $22 an hour at the mortuary, Luke. My brother's a project manager
in Tucson, and my sister works for the state. They've already run the numbers. If
we sell now, we each get like $40,000. That's real money for them. That's their
kids' college funds or whatever. And I can't explain to them why it matters without
sounding insane.
LUKE: It doesn't sound insane. It sounds selfish. Because it's not yours to hold on
to. So if you make $22 an hour at the mortuary, that's not a lot
of money, but you could go make more money. You could have a second job,
a third job. You could make deals with people, talk to the bank. $40,000 is
not that much money, and you could raise it if you really wanted to. You
can do a GoFundMe. I mean, you can crowdsource a lot of money. You can
borrow a lot of money. You could make it happen, but, I mean, it goes
back to you. And this would be something that you have to do. It's not
something that you're forcing those other people that are in real world responsible situations. You
can't be upset with them for doing what they need to do.
GINA: You're right. God, you're right, and I hate it. I've been sitting there every
Sunday like I'm keeping her alive or something. Like if I'm keeping her alive or
something. I just stay in that chair long enough. It won't matter that she's gone.
But I work with dead people every day, Luke. I know better. I'd prep buddies.
LUKE: Well, if you know better, then snap out of it, because she is gone,
and she's not in the house, and it's not your house.
GINA: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You're right. I just, I have to figure out what to
say to my brother, because he's been really patient, and I've been dodging his calls
for two weeks. I can't keep doing that.
LUKE: Well, figure out what you're going to say to your brother, and make peace
with what you've got to make with or go get yourself the money.
GINA: I'm not getting the money. I know that. I think I knew that when
I called.
LUKE: Okay, you're not getting the money. Well, good luck to you, you little bitch.
Jesus. I don't know. What generation is that? She said she was 21. Is that
Gen. A, Gen. Gen. I don't know what gender. She sucked. Okay. Let's see. Skeeter.
Welcome to the show. What did you think of that last caller?
SKEETER: I thought she was super annoying. Oh man, I missed it actually. I've been
sitting out here in the parking lot with the heat running, just got the station
dialed in. But listen, I got a question that's been eating at me all day.
LUKE: You know that thing about how orange used to be called yellow red? Like
before the word orange existed, people just called it yellow red? I did not know
that, and that sounds odd. It sounds untrue.
GIO: See, that's what this kid in my sense. seventh period said, called it bullshit
internet fake history, right to my face, which, you know, fair enough, I let them
talk like that in my class, as long as they're making a point.
LUKE: And did you have anything to back this up with?
GIO: That's the thing. I don't know, man. I saw it somewhere online, but it
was interesting, been telling people for like two years. And now I'm sitting out here
at midnight, second-guessing, whether I actually know anything real, or if my whole brain is
just filled with internet garbage, Like, what else have I been confidently wrong about? You
know what I mean?
LUKE: Well, have you taken any steps to verify the information? Like maybe Google it,
look it up?
GIO: Yeah. I did that after class, and it just made it worse. Half the
sites say it's true, half say it's not, and I can't tell which ones are
legit. There's something about the word coming from the fruit, or maybe Sanskrit. Or maybe
it was Geo-Lou Reed in Old English, which I guess means yellow-red? I don't know.
I teach history. and I can't even figure out the history of a color. And
honestly, Luke, that's not even really why I'm calling.
LUKE: Well, Gio, Lou Reed, sounds like something I want to get behind. All right,
why are you calling?
GIO: I've been sleeping in my truck in the school parking lot for three nights
because my girlfriend changed the locks on me. Found some texts I sent to someone
I shouldn't have been texting. And I'm sitting out here with the engine running so
I don't freeze, watching the frost build up on the windshield. And I'm the exact
same age. my dad was when he left.
LUKE: Okay, well, it sounds like you're getting what you deserve. So who are you
texting? What was that about?
GIO: Her name's Amanda. She's a substitute teacher, comes through maybe once a month, and
it wasn't even, look, nothing actually happened. It was just flirty stuff, stupid stuff, but
enough that when my girlfriend saw it, she knew exactly what I was thinking about
doing, even if I hadn't done it yet. And the worst part?
LUKE: What's the worst part? You know women don't like. it when you text other
women.
GIO: The worst part is, I don't even feel that bad about it. Like, I
know I'm supposed to be devastated, right? Begging to come back inside, flowers and apologies
and all that. But mostly, I just feel nothing. I've been with Sarah for four
years, and when she changed those locks, part of me was relieved.
LUKE: All right, well then, congratulations. It sounds like your decision's been made for you.
You're all set. You're free, sir. You're a free bird. You're a free agent. You
can text whoever you want.
GIO: Yeah, except I'm 37 years old sleeping in a Tacoma in a high school
parking lot. Real winter energy, Luke. And here's the thing that's messing with me. My
dad did this exact same thing. Same age? Found someone else. Just walked away from
everything. I spent my whole life thinking he was a piece of shit for that,
and now I'm out here doing the same math he probably did.
LUKE: Well, you're not really just walking away from everything. She changed the locks on
you. She told you to leave and apparently not come back.
GIO: No, you're right, but I handed her the reason to do it. I mean,
come on, Luke. I left those texts where she could find them. My phone was
sitting right there on the counter while I was in the shower. I'm not stupid.
Part of me wanted her to see them. Part of me wanted her to be
the one to pull the trigger so I wouldn't have to.
LUKE: Okay, well then, you're a pussy, and it sounds like you've got exactly what
you wanted. So congratulations. I'm not sure why you're calling me.
GIO: Because today, I told my seventh period class, that thing about how orange used
to be called yellow-red. And this smart-ass kid, always correcting me, said that's fake internet
bullshit. And I'm sitting out here now wondering if he's right. Wondering if I actually
know anything real, or if I'm just repeating stuff I saw online at three in
the morning. And that feels like, I don't know, man. It feels like everything right
now. Like maybe I don't actually know what I want or what I'm doing or
who I even am.
LUKE: Well, welcome to the goddamn human race, sir, because nobody really does. It's the
big secret that we're all hiding and pretending, you know, telling the kids that isn't
the case. Nobody fucking knows, man. Just do your best. If you don't want to
be with that woman, don't be with the woman. And it sounds like you're not
anymore, so good on you. Now you're going to have to find yourself a new
place of residence. So I would be worried about that more so than the color
orange.
GIO: You're right. You're absolutely right. I just... Okay, so earlier you had that guy
Hector on, the crop duster who lied about speaking Spanish, and you told him, Worst
case, he just goes back to doing what he was doing before, which he loves
anyway.
LUKE: Yeah, I was talking about a job, not a woman.
GIO: I know, but that's what I'm saying. I can't go back. There's no version
where I go back to what I was doing before, because I don't even remember
what that was. Sarah and I got together when I was 33. Before that, I
was just, I don't know, Luke. I was just floating around. And now I'm floating
around again, except I'm four years older and sleeping in my truck, and I can't
even confidently tell a 17-year-old kid whether Orange is a real cool. color or not.
LUKE: Yeah, you're a goddamn mess, and you need to fucking pick yourself up and
get it together because, uh, this is pathetic.
GIO: Yeah, yeah, you're right. It is pathetic.
LUKE: Okay, so grow up, figure out what you want to do and stop, uh,
uh, holding people hostage. Now it's time for another word from our sponsors. I'm going
to get dark for a second. You're going to die someday. Not today, probably, but
someday. And when you do, what's going to represent your business? A Craigslist post from
2020? A Google Maps pin that still says permanently closed because you forgot to update
it after COVID. A nephew who knows computers but actually just has a Reddit account?
Your legacy deserves better than a nephew with a Reddit account. Squarehole lets you build
something that outlasts you, something your kids can point to and say, Dad built Dad.
They won't know it took you 11 minutes. That's between you and Squarehole. And when
your nephew says, I could have built that for you for free, you can look
them in the eye and say, then why didn't you, Tyler? I asked you in
2021 and you said you were busy and you were not busy. Squarehole. Build it
before Tyler has to, because Tyler is not going to. Tyler's not going to do
it, so you should talk to our sponsor there. Get yourself a website. A website
like our website, Luke at the roost.com. which is not hosted on Squarehole. It's hosted
a completely different way. And if you'd like to know how it's hosted, you can
take a look at Luke at theroost.com slash how it works. Or we explain how
this whole show works to those of you that might be interested. Okay, next up
on the line, we've got a returning caller. I remember you. This is Brenda. Brenda.
Brenda, you're the ambulance driver, right?
BRENDA: Yeah, that's me. Hey, Luke. So I did it. I actually went on a
date.
LUKE: Hey, all right. Good job. Good for you. How'd that go?
BRENDA: Oh, man. It was. Okay. So I met this guy at the grocery store
two weeks ago. Right? We were both reaching for the same bag of those frozen
tequitos, and he made some joke about it. We got to talking. He seemed normal.
Nice smile. Worked in H-FAC. Had his shit together. So we go out Saturday night.
He picks this Italian place over on Glendale. And Luke, I swear to God, halfway
through dinner, he started. telling me about his for-rating women he's dated. Like a whole
spreadsheet.
LUKE: Yeah, I'm familiar. It's the universal, uh, hot, crazy matrix. We're all familiar with
that spreadsheet.
LUKE: What, what was it about it that got under your nerves?
BRENDA: No, but seriously, it wasn't just that he, it. He pulled it up on
his phone at the table and started walking me through it, like showing me the
columns, physical attraction, emotional stability, long-term potential, and then he's like, don't worry, I don't
fill it out until after the third date. And he said it like that was
supposed to be. Like I'm supposed to be grateful I get two more dinners before
I become a data point. And the thing is, I sat there thinking, is this
what dating is now?
LUKE: Hey, you know, a lot of women would find that very attractive. I bet
he's real good at doing taxes. There's probably a lot of good qualities this gentleman
has. He seems very organized and he knows what he wants, and that shows extreme
confidence. So I wouldn't be too butt-hurt about it. That's a funny thing. And, I
mean, you could go on another date with him or not, but... How are you
going to blame the guy?
BRENDA: You know what, you're right, and that's what's messing with me. Because Denise said
the same thing at work yesterday. She was like, at least he's honest. At least
he knows what he wants. And I'm sitting there going, so why do I feel
like I got interviewed for a job I didn't apply for? Like the whole night
I'm wondering what score I'm getting. And here's the thing. I don't even know if
I liked him, Luke. I have no idea. I was so busy being aware of
being evaluated that I didn't evaluate anything myself.
LUKE: That's exactly, that is precisely what a date is. It's an evaluation between two
people. And whether or not they're saying that there's an evaluation happening, there is. I
would be grateful to him for showing you the criteria instead of making it up
in his head and thinking you were crazy and scoring you on things you didn't
even know he was looking at. So everybody's doing that consciously or subconsciously, and he's
just doing it in a very organized and respectable way.
BRENDA: Okay. No, but seriously, you're actually making me feel worse because you're right. I
know. Like, I'm doing the same thing. I went home and told Monica every single
detail about him, and we basically did the exact same evaluation. We just didn't write
it down. We sat there for an hour going, okay, but did you notice how
he treated the waiter? What kind of car does he drive? Does he talk about
his ex too much? It's the same spreadsheet. I just pretended mine was more organic
or something. And now I'm spiraling because he texted me yesterday asking about a second
date. And I haven't answered because I'm sitting here judging him for doing out loud
what I'm doing in my head. You know what I mean.
LUKE: Yep. That's a Sounds like the type of nonsensical nonsense that comes in the
dating world. Congratulations. Are you going to go on the date with him or not?
BRENDA: I don't know. That's why I called. Because here's the other part. When he
texted, he said, I had a really good time. I think you're someone I'd like
to get to know better. And it was sweet. It was normal. And I'm sitting
there staring at my phone thinking, but what did I score? Like now, I want
to know what he wrote down about me. Did I get high marks? Where did
I lose points?
LUKE: We'll ask him. Make a game out of it. See which areas he feels
you need improvement and see if that's something you're willing to work on, if you
agree with him or not, and have a discussion. I think that could be fun.
BRENDA: Oh, God, you're serious. You want me to actually ask him to show me
my scores. No, but seriously, though, that's kind of...
LUKE: Of course. He wouldn't have showed you the spreadsheet if he wasn't willing to
show you the scores.
BRENDA: Okay, you know what? That's a good point. He literally showed it to me
at dinner. He's not hiding it.
LUKE: He's not hiding it. And you're doing the same thing. So maybe write down,
write down yours. Put it on paper and show you can compare. You can trade
and see where you match.
BRENDA: Oh man. This is either the weirdest advice or the best advice. Monica's going
to lose her mind when I tell her this. But actually, no, but seriously. If
I'm being honest, the stuff I care about is probably stupid too. Like I literally
docked him points in my head because his shoes were too shiny.
LUKE: Well, you sound like a real catch. Good for you, Brenda. Go out on
another date with a guy if you liked him. If you didn't like him, don't
go on a date with him. But don't judge him too badly for judging you
at an event that is entirely derived to judge each other.
BRENDA: You're right. God, you're totally right. Okay, I'm going to text him back yes.
And maybe I'll ask him about the spreadsheet on date too. See if he's got
a sense of humor about it.
LUKE: There you go. That's the right answer. That's what you should do. I hope
you have a good time. And I'm interested to hear what you get on the
spreadsheet. So next up on the line, we've got Clyde. Clyde, welcome to the show.
What's going on tonight? How are you?
CLYDE: Hey, Luke? Yeah, I'm standing in my garage right now. Because my 23-year-old son
just moved back in about six hours ago. And I don't know how to tell
him no. third time. Third time he's shown up with his car packed full of
everything he owns, saying he needs to figure things out. And he's already asleep in
his old bedroom and my ex? Well, we're not really exes. It's complicated. She already
texted me saying she's not doing this again. And I'm out here with my half-finished
cabinets at midnight trying to figure out how you're supposed to kick your own kid
out when he's already unpacked.
LUKE: Okay, we already talked about this. You've got to tell your kid, uh, no,
you can't do this anymore. Stop calling the radio show, grow a pair, and talk
to your goddamn child. Rita, welcome to the show. How are you?
RITA: Hey, Luke. I'm, yeah, I'm okay. Long night at work, couldn't sleep. I just,
I took a call tonight. Welfare check on an old man out in Somerton, and
his grandson found him dead. Been there three days.
LUKE: That's no good. Hey, what happens after the body is found. Is there, are
there death people that are called to come and clean up the situation? Who's responsible
to go in there and take care of the body? And not just the body,
but the house?
RITA: Yeah, so we dispatch fire and medical first. They confirm he's gone. Then the
coroner comes out. After that, if there's no foul play, family's responsible for cleanup. But
here's the thing. This kid, the grandson, he's looking around while we're waiting, and he
finds this album. Turns out his grandfather was this Corito singer back in the 70s.
LUKE: Okay. Good for him?
RITA: No, but that's the thing. The kid had. His own grandfather. Played all over
the valley, VFW halls, weddings, recorded an album. And now he's just...
LUKE: Hey, if the coroner hasn't been there yet, then how do you know he's
been dead for three days?
RITA: Oh, the paramedics confirmed that when they got there, they can tell by... I
mean, I won't get into the details. But yeah, it was three days. But Luke,
what I'm trying to say is, this guy had this whole life making music. And
it just disappeared. Like it never happened. And I keep thinking about how many people
out here are like that. Musicians, artists, whatever. They pour everything into it and then
they're just gone. Nobody remembers.
LUKE: Yeah, that's true. And nobody recognizes while they're alive either. So there's a lot
of people in the world. It's a big planet full of people with different talents.
And it's hard to pay attention to all of them, especially when we've got so
much crack attention seeking dopamine bullshit on the computers now and our phones. And everybody's
listening to some nonsense, like, I don't know, listening to a radio show where the
host takes colors from fake entities that are programmed in a computer.
RITA: Yeah, well, I'm listening to that show right now. So what does that say
about me? But seriously, I heard you earlier with Marlene. And I think you were
kind of hard on her.
LUKE: Yeah, I get that a lot. I think people just don't like to be
told the truth.
LUKE: And I'm not really in the business of of coddling people or telling them
what they want to hear. I'm in the business of giving the best advice I
can. And sometimes that's hard.
CALLER: No, I get that. I do. But what I'm saying is, this old man
tonight, he probably never got recognized while he was alive. either. He was just playing
his caritos at Quincerra's and nobody paid attention. And now he's gone and his own
grandson didn't even know. And I'm sitting here at three in the morning thinking, what's
the point?
LUKE: Well, the point is that the dead grandfather had a great time expressing himself
musically while he was alive. That was the point. And anything other than that, any
recognition afterwards or fond memories of somebody else's past skill is pretty irrelevant in the
whole scheme of the universe.
CALLER: Yeah, okay. But then why do we keep anything? Why do we, I mean,
I've got this whole box of my dad's old tools in my garage that I
never use. Mark keeps saying we should sell them, but I can't. And it's not
even about the tools. It's about, I don't know. I don't know why we keep
things.
LUKE: I don't. to me and if it's both useful and has, what's the intrinsic
value, sentimental value? If it has sentimental value to me and it's useful, I'll keep
it. But I don't keep stuff just to keep reminders of people or things or
events or places or anything. That's just wasting space.
CALLER: So you think I should just let it all go? The old man's music,
my dad's tools, all of it, just
LUKE: What? Make peace with the fact that nothing lasts. Nothing lasts and nothing is
supposed to last. And that's how it's designed and that's the beauty of this whole
thing we're doing. So, yeah, if you like the old man's music, if caritos are
your thing and you enjoy listening to the music, then keep that. If you're going
to use your dad's tools, if they're good tools, then keep those. But if you're
just holding on to them because of the memory of who they used to belong
to, you're wasting space. And every time you move for the rest of your life,
you've got to move. a big box of tools or get somebody else to and
pay to store it. And it's just, it's unnecessary. It's baggage. So, um, I for
one, believe you should travel with as little baggage as possible.
CALLER: God, that's cold. It's not. I mean, you're not wrong. But, okay, so what
about the grandson? He's got this one album his grandfather made, probably sitting in some
storage unit somewhere. Should he just toss it?
LUKE: Depends on if he likes the record or not. If he's to listen to
it, then no, he should hang on to it and listen to it throughout his
life. If he doesn't like caritos and he doesn't have a record player, then I
don't know that there's a good reason to hold on to that forever.
CALLER: You know what? I actually called about something else. But now I'm thinking maybe
it's all connected. I've been keeping a list for years.
LUKE: Okay, a list of what?
CALLER: Musicians, local ones, people who played around here, and then just disappeared. I started
it maybe five years ago after I dispatched a call to this house. And when
the paramedics got there, they found all these old posters on the wall. Guy had
played guitar in like 15 different bands in the 80s and 90s.
LUKE: Well, that's pretty cool. What are you going to do with the list?
CALLER: That's the thing. I don't know. I just keep adding to it. Tonight, after
that call with the grandfather, I added him. Miguel Sandoval. One album, 1974. And I'm
sitting here at like two in the morning with 40 names.
LUKE: And I'm thinking, well, I mean, that's a, it's obviously important to you. Music
obviously speaks to you on a different level, and you also like archiving and keeping
the memory of those things going. So maybe this, this makes you suited to run
like a record shop or an antique shop where you can hold on to those
things and trade them.
CALLER: Wait, hold on. You think I should quit dispatch and open a record shop
at 53 years old?
LUKE: Why not? If you love records, you love music, that's what you want to
do. You're 53 years old. You can do whatever you goddamn please. And you don't
have to quit your job. You could do it on the side. You could do
it as a little side hobby, hustle.
CALLER: The archiver. I mean, Mark would lose his mind. We've got the house payment,
his trucks on its last legs. And honestly, I don't even collect records myself. I've
got maybe 20 at home. It's not about owning them. It's about, I don't know
how to explain this. I don't know what you're asking. I guess I'm asking if
it matters.
LUKE: No.
CALLER: If I write all these names down, if I remember them, does it actually
do anything? Because tonight, looking at that old man's grandson, this kid didn't even know
his grandfather made music. Didn't know there was this whole part of him. And I'm
thinking, I know.
LUKE: You do know. And that's a piece of information that you can have and
not everybody has to have all the same bits of information that you have. No,
it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. all. It doesn't matter to anybody.
CALLER: Yeah, you're right. That's what I figured. It's just... Okay. Earlier tonight, Hector called
in about lying on his resume, and I was laughing so hard I almost ran.
And I thought, that matters right now to him. But in five years, nobody's going
to remember that conversation. And Miguel Sandoval, nobody remembers his album either.
LUKE: Nope. I also have, uh, several albums. that nobody ever listened to and nobody
will ever remember. And that's just part of being a musician. What was cool about
them, though, was creating the albums. And having that in my belt of things that
I've done, I'm not everybody can say they've created a whole record of their own
music. And I can. And that's a pretty cool thing. So it's worth doing whether
anybody listened to it or not. I still listen to it sometimes. That's all that
matters. Okay, we're going to take one more call tonight. One more call. Who's it
going to be? Who's it going to be? Should it be? Should it be? Chip
or Pam? Chip or Pam? Chip or Pam? I'm going with Pam because I've been
watching a lot of office clips lately and I forgot how good Pam was on
that. All right. So, Pam, welcome to the show.
PAM: Oh man, Luke. Thanks for taking my call. So, okay. Here's the thing. I've
been a bail enforcement agent for six years. Tracking down bail jumpers. all over Hidalgo
County. And my boss just told me there's an insurance audit coming next week, which
would be totally fine except I lied on my resume when I got hired.
LUKE: Oh, what's with all you resume liars? I mean, how is this such an
issue today? What's going on? Are you all talking to each other? What's the deal?
What was your lie?
PAM: Wait, there's more of us tonight? Oh, God, that's okay. That actually makes me
feel a little better. and a lot worse at the same time. I told them
I had an associate's degree in criminal justice.
LUKE: Well, you shouldn't have done that. And if they're going to give you hard
time about it, then you should get your associate's degree in criminal justice. But I
say, let them know that you lied, or don't. That's what I say. Don't say.
Don't say anything. And if they find it in the audit, then come clean that
you lied. And see if you can escape by. But we're not going to keep
this conversation going too long because we already had one with the same.
PAM: Same issue, Pam. No, no, no, wait. Luke, it's not the same thing. The
other guy. Hector, right? He can learn Spanish in three weeks. Or fake it with
an app. Or whatever. But I've been doing this job for. I've brought in over
200 skips.
LUKE: Was Hector the guy that they pushed out of the plane and Scarface? Was
that Hector?
PAM: What? No. That was, yeah.
LUKE: Different Hector.
PAM: But Luke, listen. I'm sitting in my truck right now outside the office with
the engine running because I don't know if I should walk in tomorrow or just
drive until I hit the golf.
LUKE: That's a bit dramatic.
PAM: Really good. I know how to read people. I know the county. I know
which cousins are lying and which bartenders will actually call me back.
LUKE: Okay. Well, good for you.
LUKE: So you're good at your job or you think you are anyway and you
want us to think you are too.
CALLER: And you lied on your resume and you may get caught, but you also
might not.
LUKE: So just go to work like it's a normal day. It's unlikely that they
care. If you're good at you, if you're as good at this as you say
you are, then they'll find a reason to leave you alone.
CALLER: You really think so? Because I've been sitting here for an hour just I
keep thinking about John Wayne, which is stupid. But he never pretended to be something
he wasn't, you know. He just was who he was, and people either liked it
or they didn't.
LUKE: I don't know if that's true at all. I bet you John Wayne pretended
to be a lot of things. He was not.
CALLER: Well, yeah. I mean, he was an actor, but...
LUKE: He sure was. Okay, bad example.
CALLER: There we go. I just mean, like, the characters he played, they have this
code, right? They didn't lie about who they were. And here I am, six years
in. And the whole thing's built on this one stupid lie I told because I
was desperate and broke after my second divorce. And I thought, how hard can it
be to track down people who don't want to be found?
LUKE: Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much. And if it's a problem, then
deal with it then. But otherwise, don't lie anymore. You've learned your lesson. No more
lies.
CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I just, God, I've been spiraling out here.
LUKE: Well, hopefully you feel a little bit better now. Go to work in the
morning. Like nothing happened, and just deal with it as it comes. Thanks for calling.
And thanks for tuning in to another episode of Luke at the Roost. We hope
you have a lovely evening. And we'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.
CALLER: Thank you.