Explicit Episode 14: Lies, Grief, and the Pursuit of Orange
Ep. 14

Episode 14: Lies, Grief, and the Pursuit of Orange

Episode description

This episode of Luke at the Roost is packed with callers dealing with all sorts of issues - from Hector's Spanish language struggle to Marlene's ex-wife's new furniture order, and Gina's grief over her grandfather's forgotten musical legacy. The host provides insightful and often humorous advice as the callers navigate these challenges. Will they find the solutions they're seeking?

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0:00

LUKE: All right, welcome back to the show. My name is Luke. I'm your host

0:04

for Luke at the Roost. This is the radio show where we take callers and

0:09

give them the best advice that we can. If you'd like to call into the

0:14

show, the number is 208-439-5853. That's 208-439 Luke. Also, new just yesterday. If you can't

0:19

get to a phone and you'd like to participate in the show, you can send

0:23

us an email. The address is submissions at Lukeat the roost.com. Submissions at Luke at

0:28

theroost.com. So you can send us a question or a story or anything you want.

0:33

And if it's funny enough, I might read it on the air in the next

0:38

show. And if it's not me, maybe I'll have one of my robot friends read

0:42

it for me because I'm lazy. All right. So today is Monday, February 16th. It's

0:47

about 11.30 p.m. And our phones are lighting up like they always do at this

0:52

time of night. the show, we have Hector. Hector, welcome to the show. Thanks for

0:57

calling in. How are you doing out there tonight?

1:02

HECTOR: Hey, Luke. Doing all right, man. Doing all right. Appreciate you taking the call.

1:06

So listen. I got myself into a situation here, and I don't know whether to

1:09

laugh or start updating my resume.

1:13

LUKE: All right, Hector. What did you do?

1:16

HECTOR: So I've been flying crop dusters out of Yuma for eight years now, right?

1:21

Good job. Decent money? I know what I'm doing up there. This afternoon, my boss

1:25

pulls me aside. All smiles tells me I landed this huge contract in Mexico City.

1:30

Three weeks coordinated with agricultural officials. Big deal for the company.

1:34

LUKE: Is that something you don't want to do? Why you bummed out about that?

1:37

That sounds great.

1:40

HECTOR: No, no, that's the thing. It should be great, right? This is a promotion,

1:45

basically. More money, more responsibility. Looks amazing on paper. Here's the problem, Luke. hired me

1:50

eight years ago partly because my last name is Gonzales and my resume says fluent

1:55

Spanish I speak about as much Spanish as you probably do maybe less

1:59

LUKE: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret I think they knew they

2:04

probably had strong suspicions at the time they hired you that you did not speak

2:09

Spanish but that's okay because nowadays you don't have to you can get the Apple

2:14

AirPods and they'll do the live translation for you right in your ear

2:18

HECTOR: Oh man, I didn't even think about that. Does that actually work, though? Like

2:22

in a real professional setting? Because I'm picturing myself in some meeting with Mexican agriculture

2:26

officials, trying to negotiate pesticide schedules, while I'm sitting there with AirPods and like I'm

2:30

listening to a podcast.

2:34

LUKE: You know, I went into Mexico last year at some point. I went to

2:39

Agua Brietta. And when I got there, I was trying to buy cigarettes from the

2:44

duty-free shop on the United States side of the border. So they don't just give

2:49

you the cigarettes. You buy the cigarettes in the United States, and then you have

2:54

to cross the border, and some guy is supposed to bring you the cigarettes, and

2:58

then you have to import them back into the United States. So I went out

3:03

there, and I was in Mexico, and I couldn't find the guy with the cigarettes.

3:08

So I'm asking all around, and there's a bunch of, like, their version of Border

3:13

Patrol at the border, and they didn't speak any English or pretended not to speak

3:18

any English, and they pulled out their phone, and they just did the whole back-and-forth

3:22

transcription, like it was nothing. Like, they do that all the time. So I think

3:27

it's pretty common. I wouldn't worry too much about it. But you can always start

3:32

studying. I mean, it's not like you can't learn Spanish.

3:37

HECTOR: Yeah, I mean, three weeks, though. I've been downloading Duolingo on and off for

3:42

like two years, and I still can't get past the boy eats an apple. And

3:46

here's the other thing that's dealing at me. I've been cashing paychecks for eight years

3:51

with that my resume like they never needed me to speak Spanish before so it

3:56

never mattered but now it does and I feel like a fraud

4:01

LUKE: well you are a fraud you lied on your resume and you got away

4:05

with it for eight years so congratulations for that but it sounds like it's probably

4:10

pretty difficult to find somebody qualified to fly crop dusting plane that they trust in

4:15

another country and they trust you so you just got to do the best you

4:19

can and try to work through the Spanish you know Three weeks, that's quick, but

4:24

you can do it. I mean, dual lingo is probably not the right way, but

4:29

there's lots of other ways to learn language, and if you really need to, if

4:33

you really have to, you could get at least a little bit of what you

4:38

need. It shouldn't take you long to ramp up.

4:43

HECTOR: You're right, you're right. I mean, I've been hearing Spanish on the radio stations

4:47

down here for years. I should at least have some baseline. And honestly, the flying

4:52

part I can do in my sleep, what's got me twisted up.

4:57

LUKE: Just throw yourself on a Selena record, get some bitty bitty bum bomb going,

5:01

and you're gonna be fine. Amherst yourself in Spanish, and you will pick it up

5:05

faster than you think, because you have to.

5:09

HECTOR: Okay, Selina, I can actually handle. My mom used to play that stuff all

5:13

the time when I was a kid.

5:16

LUKE: You can't handle Selena. Wait, does that make it worse, that I didn't pick

5:19

up Spanish?

5:22

HECTOR: She's probably going to lose it when I tell her about this. She's been

5:25

asking me for years why I don't speak it and I always just shrugged it

5:29

off.

5:32

LUKE: Well, your name is Hector Gonzales, so I mean I would expect at this

5:36

point in your life you probably would have picked up a little bit here and

5:39

there.

5:42

HECTOR: That's what kills me, Luke. Everyone just assumes. I walk into a place, they

5:47

see the name tag, and half the time someone starts talking to me in Spanish,

5:51

and I just stand there like a deer in headlights. I've gotten really good at

5:55

the apologetic smile and the sorry I don't speak it. But my dad's of the

5:59

family, they all came over generations ago. By the time it got to me, it

6:04

was just gone.

6:08

LUKE: Hey, well, congratulations on the new job. Do the best you can. And if

6:13

they have to send you back to the States to do your old job again,

6:18

then so be it. And if they fire you for lying on your resume, then

6:22

get another job. There's probably plenty of places you can commercially fly a plane.

6:27

HECTOR: Yeah, you know what? You're right. Worst case scenario, I'm back flying over lettuce

6:31

fields and Yuma, which honestly isn't the worst thing in the world. I do love

6:34

that job.

6:38

LUKE: Well, good luck to you and congratulations again. Thanks for calling in, Hector, and

6:42

give us a call back if anything goes wrong or you meet a crazy cartel

6:46

out there and you've got a story about redemption. Next up on the line we

6:50

have Marlene. Marlene, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life tonight? How

6:54

can we help?

6:58

MARLENE: Hey, Luke. Yeah. So, My ex-wife's new husband just ordered $12,000 worth of furniture

7:02

for me, and I don't know if he knows it's me or not, and I'm

7:06

losing my mind a little bit. Sorry, that came out fast. But yeah, that's what's

7:10

happening right now.

7:14

LUKE: Well, you know, all the places in the world you could buy furniture from,

7:18

if he's buying it from you, then there's a good chance he has an idea

7:22

of who you are. Right?

7:26

MARLENE: That's what I keep thinking. the company's called Desert Reclaim and my name's all

7:30

over the website. But then I'm like, maybe he just Googled Rustic Dining Tables, New

7:34

Mexico. And I came up and he has no clue. He's this tech guy from

7:38

Scottsdale, you know?

7:42

LUKE: Yeah, well, I mean, you got to think about how internet search works and

7:46

cookies and stuff like that. So there's probably a chance that she was looking at

7:51

your Facebook profile and somewhere you're linked to your business profile on LinkedIn or something

7:56

like that. And then that's a chance that's transferring to his phone, so when he

8:00

does a Google search, it's looking at all that data it's collected on you, and

8:05

saying he's most likely to buy his chairs from this woman.

8:10

MARLENE: Oh, God, I didn't even think about that. So, like, Rachel's been looking at

8:14

my stuff and it's bleeding over into his search results. That's, actually, that makes me

8:18

feel weird in a whole different way.

8:22

LUKE: Like, has she been checking up on me? Well, I don't know. I'm just

8:27

saying that's one possibility. That is how search works nowadays. So there's a likelihood that

8:32

that could have happened. And not necessarily like Googling you in the middle of the

8:36

night, but there could be documents on our computer that are getting fed into the

8:41

cloud for some PDF transcription service. Like, you don't know. All that you know is

8:46

the data is out there and you're linked to him now in a not a

8:51

cryptographic way, but in a digital way. And that link is obviously working.

8:56

MARLENE: Yeah. No, you're right. I mean, we were married for six years. probably all

9:00

kinds of digital trails still connecting us. But, okay, so whether he knows or not,

9:03

do I take the money?

9:07

LUKE: Yes! Luke, this is six months of my mortgage. This order would let me

9:11

actually breathe for the first time since I started this business.

9:16

MARLENE: But then I think about Rachel walking into one of those hotel lobbies and

9:19

seeing my tables, the ones I built with wood from that barn outside animas, and

9:23

I just...

9:26

LUKE: Not your problem. Take the money. Congratulations. That's a good hit. That's what we

9:30

call us in the business. So close that deal, take your cash, and enjoy the

9:34

win. And thank modern technology.

9:38

MARLENE: You really think so? Just take it and don't say anything? Because part of

9:42

me wants to email him and be like, Hey, just so you know, I used

9:47

to be married to your wife. Is that insane? That's insane, right?

9:52

LUKE: You are correct. That is insane. Yeah, don't do that. Take the money and

9:56

don't say a word. And who cares if she looks at York when she goes

10:01

to wherever it is, she goes where they put your furniture.

10:05

MARLENE: Okay. Yeah. You're right. I mean, she left me. She married him. I'm building

10:09

furniture in my garage at two in the morning. This is literally the one good

10:12

thing that's happened.

10:16

LUKE: Nah, she got to be with somebody she wants to be with. You get

10:21

to make maybe potentially the best work of your life. And you just got a

10:25

nice paycheck. So it sounds like there's lots of good things happening. And all around,

10:30

everything works out the way it's supposed to. And enjoy this small win.

10:35

MARLENE: Small win? Luke, this is 12 tables. This is the biggest order I've ever

10:39

had. But, okay. Yeah, I hear you. Take the money, build the tables, stop overthinking

10:44

it. It's just, man, it's been a year of sleeping in my truck, watching the

10:48

stars, trying to figure out what I'm doing. And now this lands in my lap

10:53

and it's connected to her. And I just...

10:57

LUKE: You're just freaking out. And you don't have to freak out. Do the job,

11:01

get the money and move on and enjoy it. Congratulations.

11:05

MARLENE: You know what? You're right. I'm going to do it. I'm going to build

11:10

the best damn tables they've ever seen, take their money, and maybe finally fix the

11:15

heater in my truck, so I don't have to freeze my ass off out there.

11:20

LUKE: Excellent. That sounds like a great plan. And another happy rooster. It's time to

11:24

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Okay. Welcome back to the show. Just a quick plug. Don't forget, we have presents

12:24

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12:37

And with that out of the way, let's get back to the show. Rick, Rick,

12:42

thanks for calling in. What's going on, buddy?

12:46

RICK: Oh man, Luke. So yesterday morning, my daughter Claire, she's 12. She fell through

12:51

the on our stock tank trying to break it up for the horses, right? Full

12:56

face pallant into freezing water, and I'm watching this happen, and I'm about to lose

13:00

my mind. But she comes up and she's gasping, but she's not panicking, like it

13:05

all. And later she tells me, it felt like her body just...

13:10

LUKE: Her body just what?

13:12

RICK: Took over. That's exactly what she said. My body took over. Like she wasn't

13:16

even in control. Her heart slowed down, blood went to her core, and she just

13:21

knew what to do. So I'm sitting there after she goes to bed and I'm

13:25

looking this up. And Luke, it's called the mammalian diving reflex.

13:30

LUKE: Well, that's pretty helpful, I suppose. Uh, I, for if we like jump into

13:34

the ocean when it's cold, like, uh, why is it there?

13:38

RICK: Right, exactly. It's this ancient thing we all have, like seals and whales. Your

13:43

face hits cold water and boom, your body just flips this switch without asking permission.

13:48

Heart rate drops, blood vessels constrict, everything shut down except what keeps you alive.

13:53

LUKE: Well, that sounds like a very handy thing to have, especially if you're going

13:57

to fall into a trough of water when it's frozen.

14:01

RICK: Yeah, no. I mean, she's fine. She's totally fine. But Luke, here's the thing

14:05

that's messing with me. I've known this kid her whole life, right? Change to diapers,

14:09

taught her to ride, the whole deal.

14:13

LUKE: Okay. And what's the problem? It sounds like she's perfectly fine, and you learned

14:17

a new thing about biology and evolution.

14:20

RICK: The problem is, I watch her face in that water. And it was like,

14:24

I don't know her at all. Like there's this whole other operating system running underneath

14:28

that I have zero access to. She's got the same emergency programming as a seal,

14:32

Luke, a seal.

14:36

LUKE: I've been kissed by rose on the grave. Yeah, I guess that would be

14:40

startling. But wait a few more years until you see her get hammered. And then,

14:45

uh, see what you see in her face.

14:49

RICK: Oh, God. Don't even. No, but see, that's different. That's like choices and stupid

14:53

decisions. This wasn't a choice. This was her body making calls without her even knowing.

14:58

Like she's running software I didn't install and can't see the code for.

15:03

LUKE: Yeah, and it sounds like it's doing a better job than yours too, because

15:07

she acted superfluously and got herself out of that cold water before it was an

15:11

issue. So what's the problem here? Her natural biology was taken over and doing the

15:14

right thing.

15:18

RICK: The problem? Okay. You're right. She handled it better than I would have. But

15:22

Luke, she's 12. And I'm standing there on a Monday morning watching Evolution work through

15:26

my kid like she's just...

15:30

LUKE: Yeah, you watched Evolution the whole, every day of watching that kid grow up,

15:34

and all of you growing up and all your parents. So I'm not sure why

15:37

this is flipping your wig.

15:41

RICK: Because this wasn't her getting taller or losing teeth or whatever. This was watching

15:46

her go under and come back up with this look on her face like, Like

15:50

some part of her I've never met, just took the wheel. She told me later,

15:54

my body took over dad, and I can't stop thinking about what else is in

15:59

there that I don't know about.

16:03

LUKE: I've been kissed by Rose on the grave. Do you think seal is in

16:06

there?

16:08

RICK: What? No, I.! Luke, come on. I'm not saying she's literally a seal. I'm

16:13

saying she's got all this programming I didn't know about. Like, what else kicks in

16:18

that I'm not ready for? What other switch is flea when I'm not looking.

16:23

LUKE: I don't know, man. It sounds like you're going to have to read the

16:27

origin of species and do some research on the old Charlie D.

16:31

RICK: Okay, you're busting my balls here, but I did look it up after she

16:35

went to bed. The mammalian diving reflex. It's real.

16:39

LUKE: Heart rate drops. Blood goes to the vital organs, the whole thing. And she

16:43

described it exactly like that without knowing what it was called. That's what's freaking me

16:47

out. She's walking around with all these systems I can't see. And one day she's

16:52

going to be out there making decisions. and I won't even know what's running in

16:56

the background.

17:00

RICK: Yeah, that's true. That's how humans behave. Welcome to the world, sir. You don't

17:04

know how anybody is programmed entirely, and just the little bits that you've been around

17:09

for. So it's not to be shocking, but it sounds like you need to expand

17:14

your mind a little bit. Your kid is going to be their own person with

17:19

their own instincts and values and beliefs and skills. And most of them. them, not

17:24

all, most of them will have absolutely nothing to do with you.

17:28

LUKE: Yeah, yeah, I know that. I do, but this felt different. Watching her face

17:32

change in that water, watching something ancient, just click on.

17:36

RICK: Well, it sounds like everything worked out, and she's great, and you learned something,

17:40

and that's a win to me.

17:43

LUKE: So thanks for Colin. Give us a call back some other time. Gina, Gina,

17:47

thanks for Colin. How are you today?

17:51

GINA: Hey, Luke. I'm all right. So my brother and sister want to sell my

17:56

grandmother's house, and I've been breaking into it every Sunday for the last three months.

18:00

LUKE: Is your grandmother still in the house?

18:03

GINA: No. She died in November. I have a key, though, so I guess it's

18:07

not really breaking in. But they don't know I'm going there.

18:12

LUKE: Okay, why are you breaking into your dead grandma's house?

18:15

GINA: I don't know, man. I just, I drive down to Hachita every Sunday, let

18:19

myself in, and I sit in her chair by the window for exactly two hours.

18:23

Sometimes I'm on my phone. Sometimes I just watch the mountains. It's this floral armchair

18:27

she'd always sit in.

18:31

LUKE: Well, that's a nice thing, but if they're going to sell the house, you're

18:36

not going to be able to go there anymore. So that's a bummer. What are

18:40

you going to do after the house is gone?

18:44

GINA: That's the thing. I don't want them to sell it. My brother left me

18:48

three voicemails saying we need to list it by March. And my sister sent me

18:53

the Zillow estimate and I had to pull over on the highway because I couldn't

18:57

breathe. Like, I know how this sounds.

19:01

LUKE: Do you have the money to buy the house?

19:04

GINA: No. I work at a mortuary. I'm 21. I don't have that kind of

19:09

money. But I can't explain this to them without sounding crazy.

19:13

LUKE: Well, you're 21. You also don't have the bills yet that they have, and

19:17

the responsibilities financially that they have to account for. You don't have to pay the

19:22

taxes on that property and the upkeep and the maintenance. You're just going there and

19:26

hanging out, which is great. I mean, if you've got a free place to go

19:30

hang out, wonderful. But the rest of your family, doesn't feel that way about it.

19:35

It's a burden to them, and it's expensive, and they might not be able to

19:39

afford it either. So if they want to sell the house, then you should let

19:43

them.

19:48

GINA: I know all that. I get it. But she's still in there, Luke. And

19:51

I know the difference between a body and a person. I work with dead people

19:55

every day.

19:58

LUKE: Okay. Well, so if she's still in there, does it matter who owns her?

20:03

GINA: What do you mean does it matter who owns her? Some family from Phoenix

20:07

is going to buy it and go. that the whole thing and turn it into

20:11

an Airbnb or whatever.

20:14

LUKE: Yeah, and that sounds like an ideal situation for your dead grandma, because she's

20:19

going to be hanging out in the Airbnb, it's going to be all nice and

20:23

fixed up, and people are going to be partying in there, she's going to be

20:27

having a grand old time.

20:31

GINA: That's not funny.

20:32

LUKE: What do you mean it's not funny? Of course it is.

20:36

GINA: No, because, okay, you don't get it. Every Sunday I sit in her chair

20:41

by the window and I can feel her there. feel her. The way the light

20:46

hits the mountains at a certain time, that's what she looked at every day for

20:50

40 years. Her handwriting is still on the grocery list on the fridge. There's a

20:55

water stain on the ceiling from when the swap cooler leaked in 2019. And she

21:00

never fixed it because she said it looked like a bird.

21:04

LUKE: Yeah, it sounds like she was a person and she is not anymore. And

21:09

her house is no longer belongs to her and you're in it hanging out. And

21:14

the family needs to sell that house, whether you want to be there or not.

21:19

Like, you can't just force them to keep this house. You can't do it. It's

21:24

not going to work. So you're going to have to come to terms with reality.

21:29

GINA: I know I can't force them. That's why I'm calling you instead of just,

21:33

I don't know what I thought you were going to say.

21:38

LUKE: Well, what I'm going to say is it makes sense that you're grieving for

21:42

your grandmother. And her presence is obviously. going to be in the place where she

21:47

lived her whole life. That makes perfect sense. That happens to everybody. I'm going to

21:52

tell you that you can take those memories of your grandma somewhere else, and you're

21:56

going to have to. So it's okay to grieve. It's okay to miss her, but

22:01

she's not in the walls. She's not in the stain on the ceiling. She will

22:06

follow you for your life in your mind, in your memories, and keep those good,

22:11

you know? And if you really, if you really, if you really feel that strongly

22:15

about it? Do what you have to do to raise the money to buy the

22:20

house. Like it's an after-TV special, and there's some creepy old corporation that's trying to

22:25

buy it and turn it into an oil drill.

22:30

GINA: I make $22 an hour at the mortuary, Luke. My brother's a project manager

22:34

in Tucson, and my sister works for the state. They've already run the numbers. If

22:38

we sell now, we each get like $40,000. That's real money for them. That's their

22:42

kids' college funds or whatever. And I can't explain to them why it matters without

22:46

sounding insane.

22:50

LUKE: It doesn't sound insane. It sounds selfish. Because it's not yours to hold on

22:55

to. So if you make $22 an hour at the mortuary, that's not a lot

23:00

of money, but you could go make more money. You could have a second job,

23:05

a third job. You could make deals with people, talk to the bank. $40,000 is

23:09

not that much money, and you could raise it if you really wanted to. You

23:14

can do a GoFundMe. I mean, you can crowdsource a lot of money. You can

23:19

borrow a lot of money. You could make it happen, but, I mean, it goes

23:24

back to you. And this would be something that you have to do. It's not

23:29

something that you're forcing those other people that are in real world responsible situations. You

23:34

can't be upset with them for doing what they need to do.

23:38

GINA: You're right. God, you're right, and I hate it. I've been sitting there every

23:43

Sunday like I'm keeping her alive or something. Like if I'm keeping her alive or

23:48

something. I just stay in that chair long enough. It won't matter that she's gone.

23:53

But I work with dead people every day, Luke. I know better. I'd prep buddies.

23:58

LUKE: Well, if you know better, then snap out of it, because she is gone,

24:02

and she's not in the house, and it's not your house.

24:07

GINA: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You're right. I just, I have to figure out what to

24:11

say to my brother, because he's been really patient, and I've been dodging his calls

24:15

for two weeks. I can't keep doing that.

24:19

LUKE: Well, figure out what you're going to say to your brother, and make peace

24:24

with what you've got to make with or go get yourself the money.

24:28

GINA: I'm not getting the money. I know that. I think I knew that when

24:31

I called.

24:34

LUKE: Okay, you're not getting the money. Well, good luck to you, you little bitch.

24:39

Jesus. I don't know. What generation is that? She said she was 21. Is that

24:43

Gen. A, Gen. Gen. I don't know what gender. She sucked. Okay. Let's see. Skeeter.

24:48

Welcome to the show. What did you think of that last caller?

24:53

SKEETER: I thought she was super annoying. Oh man, I missed it actually. I've been

24:57

sitting out here in the parking lot with the heat running, just got the station

25:02

dialed in. But listen, I got a question that's been eating at me all day.

25:07

LUKE: You know that thing about how orange used to be called yellow red? Like

25:11

before the word orange existed, people just called it yellow red? I did not know

25:16

that, and that sounds odd. It sounds untrue.

25:20

GIO: See, that's what this kid in my sense. seventh period said, called it bullshit

25:25

internet fake history, right to my face, which, you know, fair enough, I let them

25:29

talk like that in my class, as long as they're making a point.

25:34

LUKE: And did you have anything to back this up with?

25:38

GIO: That's the thing. I don't know, man. I saw it somewhere online, but it

25:42

was interesting, been telling people for like two years. And now I'm sitting out here

25:46

at midnight, second-guessing, whether I actually know anything real, or if my whole brain is

25:50

just filled with internet garbage, Like, what else have I been confidently wrong about? You

25:54

know what I mean?

25:59

LUKE: Well, have you taken any steps to verify the information? Like maybe Google it,

26:02

look it up?

26:04

GIO: Yeah. I did that after class, and it just made it worse. Half the

26:09

sites say it's true, half say it's not, and I can't tell which ones are

26:14

legit. There's something about the word coming from the fruit, or maybe Sanskrit. Or maybe

26:18

it was Geo-Lou Reed in Old English, which I guess means yellow-red? I don't know.

26:23

I teach history. and I can't even figure out the history of a color. And

26:27

honestly, Luke, that's not even really why I'm calling.

26:32

LUKE: Well, Gio, Lou Reed, sounds like something I want to get behind. All right,

26:35

why are you calling?

26:38

GIO: I've been sleeping in my truck in the school parking lot for three nights

26:43

because my girlfriend changed the locks on me. Found some texts I sent to someone

26:47

I shouldn't have been texting. And I'm sitting out here with the engine running so

26:52

I don't freeze, watching the frost build up on the windshield. And I'm the exact

26:56

same age. my dad was when he left.

27:01

LUKE: Okay, well, it sounds like you're getting what you deserve. So who are you

27:04

texting? What was that about?

27:07

GIO: Her name's Amanda. She's a substitute teacher, comes through maybe once a month, and

27:12

it wasn't even, look, nothing actually happened. It was just flirty stuff, stupid stuff, but

27:17

enough that when my girlfriend saw it, she knew exactly what I was thinking about

27:21

doing, even if I hadn't done it yet. And the worst part?

27:26

LUKE: What's the worst part? You know women don't like. it when you text other

27:29

women.

27:31

GIO: The worst part is, I don't even feel that bad about it. Like, I

27:36

know I'm supposed to be devastated, right? Begging to come back inside, flowers and apologies

27:41

and all that. But mostly, I just feel nothing. I've been with Sarah for four

27:45

years, and when she changed those locks, part of me was relieved.

27:50

LUKE: All right, well then, congratulations. It sounds like your decision's been made for you.

27:54

You're all set. You're free, sir. You're a free bird. You're a free agent. You

27:58

can text whoever you want.

28:01

GIO: Yeah, except I'm 37 years old sleeping in a Tacoma in a high school

28:06

parking lot. Real winter energy, Luke. And here's the thing that's messing with me. My

28:11

dad did this exact same thing. Same age? Found someone else. Just walked away from

28:16

everything. I spent my whole life thinking he was a piece of shit for that,

28:20

and now I'm out here doing the same math he probably did.

28:25

LUKE: Well, you're not really just walking away from everything. She changed the locks on

28:29

you. She told you to leave and apparently not come back.

28:34

GIO: No, you're right, but I handed her the reason to do it. I mean,

28:38

come on, Luke. I left those texts where she could find them. My phone was

28:43

sitting right there on the counter while I was in the shower. I'm not stupid.

28:48

Part of me wanted her to see them. Part of me wanted her to be

28:52

the one to pull the trigger so I wouldn't have to.

28:57

LUKE: Okay, well then, you're a pussy, and it sounds like you've got exactly what

29:01

you wanted. So congratulations. I'm not sure why you're calling me.

29:05

GIO: Because today, I told my seventh period class, that thing about how orange used

29:10

to be called yellow-red. And this smart-ass kid, always correcting me, said that's fake internet

29:14

bullshit. And I'm sitting out here now wondering if he's right. Wondering if I actually

29:19

know anything real, or if I'm just repeating stuff I saw online at three in

29:23

the morning. And that feels like, I don't know, man. It feels like everything right

29:27

now. Like maybe I don't actually know what I want or what I'm doing or

29:32

who I even am.

29:36

LUKE: Well, welcome to the goddamn human race, sir, because nobody really does. It's the

29:41

big secret that we're all hiding and pretending, you know, telling the kids that isn't

29:45

the case. Nobody fucking knows, man. Just do your best. If you don't want to

29:49

be with that woman, don't be with the woman. And it sounds like you're not

29:53

anymore, so good on you. Now you're going to have to find yourself a new

29:58

place of residence. So I would be worried about that more so than the color

30:02

orange.

30:06

GIO: You're right. You're absolutely right. I just... Okay, so earlier you had that guy

30:10

Hector on, the crop duster who lied about speaking Spanish, and you told him, Worst

30:14

case, he just goes back to doing what he was doing before, which he loves

30:17

anyway.

30:21

LUKE: Yeah, I was talking about a job, not a woman.

30:25

GIO: I know, but that's what I'm saying. I can't go back. There's no version

30:30

where I go back to what I was doing before, because I don't even remember

30:35

what that was. Sarah and I got together when I was 33. Before that, I

30:40

was just, I don't know, Luke. I was just floating around. And now I'm floating

30:45

around again, except I'm four years older and sleeping in my truck, and I can't

30:49

even confidently tell a 17-year-old kid whether Orange is a real cool. color or not.

30:54

LUKE: Yeah, you're a goddamn mess, and you need to fucking pick yourself up and

30:58

get it together because, uh, this is pathetic.

31:02

GIO: Yeah, yeah, you're right. It is pathetic.

31:05

LUKE: Okay, so grow up, figure out what you want to do and stop, uh,

31:09

uh, holding people hostage. Now it's time for another word from our sponsors. I'm going

31:14

to get dark for a second. You're going to die someday. Not today, probably, but

31:19

someday. And when you do, what's going to represent your business? A Craigslist post from

31:24

2020? A Google Maps pin that still says permanently closed because you forgot to update

31:28

it after COVID. A nephew who knows computers but actually just has a Reddit account?

31:33

Your legacy deserves better than a nephew with a Reddit account. Squarehole lets you build

31:38

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31:43

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31:48

your nephew says, I could have built that for you for free, you can look

31:52

them in the eye and say, then why didn't you, Tyler? I asked you in

31:57

2021 and you said you were busy and you were not busy. Squarehole. Build it

32:02

before Tyler has to, because Tyler is not going to. Tyler's not going to do

32:07

it, so you should talk to our sponsor there. Get yourself a website. A website

32:11

like our website, Luke at the roost.com. which is not hosted on Squarehole. It's hosted

32:16

a completely different way. And if you'd like to know how it's hosted, you can

32:21

take a look at Luke at theroost.com slash how it works. Or we explain how

32:26

this whole show works to those of you that might be interested. Okay, next up

32:31

on the line, we've got a returning caller. I remember you. This is Brenda. Brenda.

32:35

Brenda, you're the ambulance driver, right?

32:40

BRENDA: Yeah, that's me. Hey, Luke. So I did it. I actually went on a

32:43

date.

32:45

LUKE: Hey, all right. Good job. Good for you. How'd that go?

32:49

BRENDA: Oh, man. It was. Okay. So I met this guy at the grocery store

32:54

two weeks ago. Right? We were both reaching for the same bag of those frozen

32:58

tequitos, and he made some joke about it. We got to talking. He seemed normal.

33:02

Nice smile. Worked in H-FAC. Had his shit together. So we go out Saturday night.

33:06

He picks this Italian place over on Glendale. And Luke, I swear to God, halfway

33:11

through dinner, he started. telling me about his for-rating women he's dated. Like a whole

33:15

spreadsheet.

33:19

LUKE: Yeah, I'm familiar. It's the universal, uh, hot, crazy matrix. We're all familiar with

33:22

that spreadsheet.

33:25

LUKE: What, what was it about it that got under your nerves?

33:29

BRENDA: No, but seriously, it wasn't just that he, it. He pulled it up on

33:33

his phone at the table and started walking me through it, like showing me the

33:38

columns, physical attraction, emotional stability, long-term potential, and then he's like, don't worry, I don't

33:42

fill it out until after the third date. And he said it like that was

33:46

supposed to be. Like I'm supposed to be grateful I get two more dinners before

33:51

I become a data point. And the thing is, I sat there thinking, is this

33:55

what dating is now?

34:00

LUKE: Hey, you know, a lot of women would find that very attractive. I bet

34:04

he's real good at doing taxes. There's probably a lot of good qualities this gentleman

34:08

has. He seems very organized and he knows what he wants, and that shows extreme

34:13

confidence. So I wouldn't be too butt-hurt about it. That's a funny thing. And, I

34:17

mean, you could go on another date with him or not, but... How are you

34:21

going to blame the guy?

34:26

BRENDA: You know what, you're right, and that's what's messing with me. Because Denise said

34:30

the same thing at work yesterday. She was like, at least he's honest. At least

34:35

he knows what he wants. And I'm sitting there going, so why do I feel

34:40

like I got interviewed for a job I didn't apply for? Like the whole night

34:44

I'm wondering what score I'm getting. And here's the thing. I don't even know if

34:49

I liked him, Luke. I have no idea. I was so busy being aware of

34:53

being evaluated that I didn't evaluate anything myself.

34:58

LUKE: That's exactly, that is precisely what a date is. It's an evaluation between two

35:03

people. And whether or not they're saying that there's an evaluation happening, there is. I

35:07

would be grateful to him for showing you the criteria instead of making it up

35:12

in his head and thinking you were crazy and scoring you on things you didn't

35:17

even know he was looking at. So everybody's doing that consciously or subconsciously, and he's

35:21

just doing it in a very organized and respectable way.

35:26

BRENDA: Okay. No, but seriously, you're actually making me feel worse because you're right. I

35:31

know. Like, I'm doing the same thing. I went home and told Monica every single

35:36

detail about him, and we basically did the exact same evaluation. We just didn't write

35:40

it down. We sat there for an hour going, okay, but did you notice how

35:45

he treated the waiter? What kind of car does he drive? Does he talk about

35:50

his ex too much? It's the same spreadsheet. I just pretended mine was more organic

35:55

or something. And now I'm spiraling because he texted me yesterday asking about a second

35:59

date. And I haven't answered because I'm sitting here judging him for doing out loud

36:04

what I'm doing in my head. You know what I mean.

36:09

LUKE: Yep. That's a Sounds like the type of nonsensical nonsense that comes in the

36:14

dating world. Congratulations. Are you going to go on the date with him or not?

36:19

BRENDA: I don't know. That's why I called. Because here's the other part. When he

36:23

texted, he said, I had a really good time. I think you're someone I'd like

36:27

to get to know better. And it was sweet. It was normal. And I'm sitting

36:32

there staring at my phone thinking, but what did I score? Like now, I want

36:36

to know what he wrote down about me. Did I get high marks? Where did

36:40

I lose points?

36:44

LUKE: We'll ask him. Make a game out of it. See which areas he feels

36:49

you need improvement and see if that's something you're willing to work on, if you

36:54

agree with him or not, and have a discussion. I think that could be fun.

36:59

BRENDA: Oh, God, you're serious. You want me to actually ask him to show me

37:03

my scores. No, but seriously, though, that's kind of...

37:07

LUKE: Of course. He wouldn't have showed you the spreadsheet if he wasn't willing to

37:10

show you the scores.

37:13

BRENDA: Okay, you know what? That's a good point. He literally showed it to me

37:17

at dinner. He's not hiding it.

37:20

LUKE: He's not hiding it. And you're doing the same thing. So maybe write down,

37:24

write down yours. Put it on paper and show you can compare. You can trade

37:28

and see where you match.

37:32

BRENDA: Oh man. This is either the weirdest advice or the best advice. Monica's going

37:36

to lose her mind when I tell her this. But actually, no, but seriously. If

37:41

I'm being honest, the stuff I care about is probably stupid too. Like I literally

37:46

docked him points in my head because his shoes were too shiny.

37:50

LUKE: Well, you sound like a real catch. Good for you, Brenda. Go out on

37:55

another date with a guy if you liked him. If you didn't like him, don't

38:00

go on a date with him. But don't judge him too badly for judging you

38:04

at an event that is entirely derived to judge each other.

38:09

BRENDA: You're right. God, you're totally right. Okay, I'm going to text him back yes.

38:13

And maybe I'll ask him about the spreadsheet on date too. See if he's got

38:17

a sense of humor about it.

38:21

LUKE: There you go. That's the right answer. That's what you should do. I hope

38:25

you have a good time. And I'm interested to hear what you get on the

38:29

spreadsheet. So next up on the line, we've got Clyde. Clyde, welcome to the show.

38:33

What's going on tonight? How are you?

38:38

CLYDE: Hey, Luke? Yeah, I'm standing in my garage right now. Because my 23-year-old son

38:42

just moved back in about six hours ago. And I don't know how to tell

38:47

him no. third time. Third time he's shown up with his car packed full of

38:51

everything he owns, saying he needs to figure things out. And he's already asleep in

38:56

his old bedroom and my ex? Well, we're not really exes. It's complicated. She already

39:00

texted me saying she's not doing this again. And I'm out here with my half-finished

39:05

cabinets at midnight trying to figure out how you're supposed to kick your own kid

39:09

out when he's already unpacked.

39:14

LUKE: Okay, we already talked about this. You've got to tell your kid, uh, no,

39:18

you can't do this anymore. Stop calling the radio show, grow a pair, and talk

39:23

to your goddamn child. Rita, welcome to the show. How are you?

39:28

RITA: Hey, Luke. I'm, yeah, I'm okay. Long night at work, couldn't sleep. I just,

39:32

I took a call tonight. Welfare check on an old man out in Somerton, and

39:36

his grandson found him dead. Been there three days.

39:40

LUKE: That's no good. Hey, what happens after the body is found. Is there, are

39:44

there death people that are called to come and clean up the situation? Who's responsible

39:48

to go in there and take care of the body? And not just the body,

39:52

but the house?

39:56

RITA: Yeah, so we dispatch fire and medical first. They confirm he's gone. Then the

40:01

coroner comes out. After that, if there's no foul play, family's responsible for cleanup. But

40:06

here's the thing. This kid, the grandson, he's looking around while we're waiting, and he

40:11

finds this album. Turns out his grandfather was this Corito singer back in the 70s.

40:16

LUKE: Okay. Good for him?

40:18

RITA: No, but that's the thing. The kid had. His own grandfather. Played all over

40:22

the valley, VFW halls, weddings, recorded an album. And now he's just...

40:26

LUKE: Hey, if the coroner hasn't been there yet, then how do you know he's

40:30

been dead for three days?

40:33

RITA: Oh, the paramedics confirmed that when they got there, they can tell by... I

40:37

mean, I won't get into the details. But yeah, it was three days. But Luke,

40:42

what I'm trying to say is, this guy had this whole life making music. And

40:46

it just disappeared. Like it never happened. And I keep thinking about how many people

40:50

out here are like that. Musicians, artists, whatever. They pour everything into it and then

40:55

they're just gone. Nobody remembers.

40:59

LUKE: Yeah, that's true. And nobody recognizes while they're alive either. So there's a lot

41:04

of people in the world. It's a big planet full of people with different talents.

41:09

And it's hard to pay attention to all of them, especially when we've got so

41:14

much crack attention seeking dopamine bullshit on the computers now and our phones. And everybody's

41:18

listening to some nonsense, like, I don't know, listening to a radio show where the

41:23

host takes colors from fake entities that are programmed in a computer.

41:28

RITA: Yeah, well, I'm listening to that show right now. So what does that say

41:32

about me? But seriously, I heard you earlier with Marlene. And I think you were

41:35

kind of hard on her.

41:39

LUKE: Yeah, I get that a lot. I think people just don't like to be

41:42

told the truth.

41:45

LUKE: And I'm not really in the business of of coddling people or telling them

41:49

what they want to hear. I'm in the business of giving the best advice I

41:53

can. And sometimes that's hard.

41:57

CALLER: No, I get that. I do. But what I'm saying is, this old man

42:01

tonight, he probably never got recognized while he was alive. either. He was just playing

42:05

his caritos at Quincerra's and nobody paid attention. And now he's gone and his own

42:09

grandson didn't even know. And I'm sitting here at three in the morning thinking, what's

42:13

the point?

42:17

LUKE: Well, the point is that the dead grandfather had a great time expressing himself

42:21

musically while he was alive. That was the point. And anything other than that, any

42:25

recognition afterwards or fond memories of somebody else's past skill is pretty irrelevant in the

42:29

whole scheme of the universe.

42:33

CALLER: Yeah, okay. But then why do we keep anything? Why do we, I mean,

42:37

I've got this whole box of my dad's old tools in my garage that I

42:41

never use. Mark keeps saying we should sell them, but I can't. And it's not

42:46

even about the tools. It's about, I don't know. I don't know why we keep

42:50

things.

42:54

LUKE: I don't. to me and if it's both useful and has, what's the intrinsic

42:58

value, sentimental value? If it has sentimental value to me and it's useful, I'll keep

43:02

it. But I don't keep stuff just to keep reminders of people or things or

43:07

events or places or anything. That's just wasting space.

43:11

CALLER: So you think I should just let it all go? The old man's music,

43:15

my dad's tools, all of it, just

43:18

LUKE: What? Make peace with the fact that nothing lasts. Nothing lasts and nothing is

43:23

supposed to last. And that's how it's designed and that's the beauty of this whole

43:28

thing we're doing. So, yeah, if you like the old man's music, if caritos are

43:33

your thing and you enjoy listening to the music, then keep that. If you're going

43:38

to use your dad's tools, if they're good tools, then keep those. But if you're

43:42

just holding on to them because of the memory of who they used to belong

43:47

to, you're wasting space. And every time you move for the rest of your life,

43:52

you've got to move. a big box of tools or get somebody else to and

43:57

pay to store it. And it's just, it's unnecessary. It's baggage. So, um, I for

44:02

one, believe you should travel with as little baggage as possible.

44:06

CALLER: God, that's cold. It's not. I mean, you're not wrong. But, okay, so what

44:11

about the grandson? He's got this one album his grandfather made, probably sitting in some

44:15

storage unit somewhere. Should he just toss it?

44:19

LUKE: Depends on if he likes the record or not. If he's to listen to

44:24

it, then no, he should hang on to it and listen to it throughout his

44:28

life. If he doesn't like caritos and he doesn't have a record player, then I

44:33

don't know that there's a good reason to hold on to that forever.

44:38

CALLER: You know what? I actually called about something else. But now I'm thinking maybe

44:42

it's all connected. I've been keeping a list for years.

44:46

LUKE: Okay, a list of what?

44:48

CALLER: Musicians, local ones, people who played around here, and then just disappeared. I started

44:53

it maybe five years ago after I dispatched a call to this house. And when

44:57

the paramedics got there, they found all these old posters on the wall. Guy had

45:02

played guitar in like 15 different bands in the 80s and 90s.

45:07

LUKE: Well, that's pretty cool. What are you going to do with the list?

45:11

CALLER: That's the thing. I don't know. I just keep adding to it. Tonight, after

45:16

that call with the grandfather, I added him. Miguel Sandoval. One album, 1974. And I'm

45:20

sitting here at like two in the morning with 40 names.

45:25

LUKE: And I'm thinking, well, I mean, that's a, it's obviously important to you. Music

45:29

obviously speaks to you on a different level, and you also like archiving and keeping

45:33

the memory of those things going. So maybe this, this makes you suited to run

45:37

like a record shop or an antique shop where you can hold on to those

45:42

things and trade them.

45:46

CALLER: Wait, hold on. You think I should quit dispatch and open a record shop

45:49

at 53 years old?

45:52

LUKE: Why not? If you love records, you love music, that's what you want to

45:56

do. You're 53 years old. You can do whatever you goddamn please. And you don't

46:01

have to quit your job. You could do it on the side. You could do

46:05

it as a little side hobby, hustle.

46:09

CALLER: The archiver. I mean, Mark would lose his mind. We've got the house payment,

46:13

his trucks on its last legs. And honestly, I don't even collect records myself. I've

46:17

got maybe 20 at home. It's not about owning them. It's about, I don't know

46:21

how to explain this. I don't know what you're asking. I guess I'm asking if

46:26

it matters.

46:30

LUKE: No.

46:30

CALLER: If I write all these names down, if I remember them, does it actually

46:34

do anything? Because tonight, looking at that old man's grandson, this kid didn't even know

46:38

his grandfather made music. Didn't know there was this whole part of him. And I'm

46:42

thinking, I know.

46:46

LUKE: You do know. And that's a piece of information that you can have and

46:51

not everybody has to have all the same bits of information that you have. No,

46:56

it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. all. It doesn't matter to anybody.

47:00

CALLER: Yeah, you're right. That's what I figured. It's just... Okay. Earlier tonight, Hector called

47:05

in about lying on his resume, and I was laughing so hard I almost ran.

47:10

And I thought, that matters right now to him. But in five years, nobody's going

47:14

to remember that conversation. And Miguel Sandoval, nobody remembers his album either.

47:19

LUKE: Nope. I also have, uh, several albums. that nobody ever listened to and nobody

47:24

will ever remember. And that's just part of being a musician. What was cool about

47:29

them, though, was creating the albums. And having that in my belt of things that

47:33

I've done, I'm not everybody can say they've created a whole record of their own

47:38

music. And I can. And that's a pretty cool thing. So it's worth doing whether

47:43

anybody listened to it or not. I still listen to it sometimes. That's all that

47:48

matters. Okay, we're going to take one more call tonight. One more call. Who's it

47:52

going to be? Who's it going to be? Should it be? Should it be? Chip

47:57

or Pam? Chip or Pam? Chip or Pam? I'm going with Pam because I've been

48:02

watching a lot of office clips lately and I forgot how good Pam was on

48:07

that. All right. So, Pam, welcome to the show.

48:11

PAM: Oh man, Luke. Thanks for taking my call. So, okay. Here's the thing. I've

48:16

been a bail enforcement agent for six years. Tracking down bail jumpers. all over Hidalgo

48:21

County. And my boss just told me there's an insurance audit coming next week, which

48:26

would be totally fine except I lied on my resume when I got hired.

48:31

LUKE: Oh, what's with all you resume liars? I mean, how is this such an

48:34

issue today? What's going on? Are you all talking to each other? What's the deal?

48:38

What was your lie?

48:42

PAM: Wait, there's more of us tonight? Oh, God, that's okay. That actually makes me

48:46

feel a little better. and a lot worse at the same time. I told them

48:50

I had an associate's degree in criminal justice.

48:54

LUKE: Well, you shouldn't have done that. And if they're going to give you hard

48:59

time about it, then you should get your associate's degree in criminal justice. But I

49:04

say, let them know that you lied, or don't. That's what I say. Don't say.

49:09

Don't say anything. And if they find it in the audit, then come clean that

49:14

you lied. And see if you can escape by. But we're not going to keep

49:18

this conversation going too long because we already had one with the same.

49:23

PAM: Same issue, Pam. No, no, no, wait. Luke, it's not the same thing. The

49:27

other guy. Hector, right? He can learn Spanish in three weeks. Or fake it with

49:31

an app. Or whatever. But I've been doing this job for. I've brought in over

49:35

200 skips.

49:39

LUKE: Was Hector the guy that they pushed out of the plane and Scarface? Was

49:41

that Hector?

49:44

PAM: What? No. That was, yeah.

49:46

LUKE: Different Hector.

49:47

PAM: But Luke, listen. I'm sitting in my truck right now outside the office with

49:51

the engine running because I don't know if I should walk in tomorrow or just

49:55

drive until I hit the golf.

49:59

LUKE: That's a bit dramatic.

50:01

PAM: Really good. I know how to read people. I know the county. I know

50:05

which cousins are lying and which bartenders will actually call me back.

50:10

LUKE: Okay. Well, good for you.

50:12

LUKE: So you're good at your job or you think you are anyway and you

50:15

want us to think you are too.

50:19

CALLER: And you lied on your resume and you may get caught, but you also

50:22

might not.

50:24

LUKE: So just go to work like it's a normal day. It's unlikely that they

50:29

care. If you're good at you, if you're as good at this as you say

50:33

you are, then they'll find a reason to leave you alone.

50:38

CALLER: You really think so? Because I've been sitting here for an hour just I

50:42

keep thinking about John Wayne, which is stupid. But he never pretended to be something

50:46

he wasn't, you know. He just was who he was, and people either liked it

50:50

or they didn't.

50:54

LUKE: I don't know if that's true at all. I bet you John Wayne pretended

50:58

to be a lot of things. He was not.

51:01

CALLER: Well, yeah. I mean, he was an actor, but...

51:05

LUKE: He sure was. Okay, bad example.

51:07

CALLER: There we go. I just mean, like, the characters he played, they have this

51:12

code, right? They didn't lie about who they were. And here I am, six years

51:16

in. And the whole thing's built on this one stupid lie I told because I

51:21

was desperate and broke after my second divorce. And I thought, how hard can it

51:26

be to track down people who don't want to be found?

51:30

LUKE: Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much. And if it's a problem, then

51:34

deal with it then. But otherwise, don't lie anymore. You've learned your lesson. No more

51:37

lies.

51:41

CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I just, God, I've been spiraling out here.

51:45

LUKE: Well, hopefully you feel a little bit better now. Go to work in the

51:49

morning. Like nothing happened, and just deal with it as it comes. Thanks for calling.

51:54

And thanks for tuning in to another episode of Luke at the Roost. We hope

51:59

you have a lovely evening. And we'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

52:04

CALLER: Thank you.